6 tips to help you become a calmer parent
“If you remain calm in the midst of great chaos, it is the surest guarantee that it will eventually subside.” - Julie Andrews
How easy is it to parent calmly?
If I had a penny for every time I lost the head with my children I would be filthy rich. Parenting is tough! When you simply want to be alone or take a shower for more than two minutes and you hear those little footsteps outside the door, it can be incredibly frustrating. I try my utmost to keep my cool for as long as possible until….but then it comes, boom! … I’ve lost it. What follows is a stinging feeling of shame and regret. What’s even more sobering is seeing this behaviour reflected in my children. Then I realise how I must look to them when I am in this untamed state. This is why I feel like I need to lead by example. I know I need to parent calmly, but that’s easier said than done!
What causes us to lose control?
I often wonder what makes me flip my lid? In the painful aftermath, I question my suitability as a parent. Although I try to be patient and understanding, my ability to remain calm is brought to its limit as my children push my buttons repeatedly. Writing this blog has given me an opportunity to sit down and ponder this concept with a calm and clear head. Here are some of the ideas that resonated with me.
1. Catching the zzzs
Sleep, we all know, is one of the most important things for our health. Our problem is that we don't get enough of it. I have a five-year-old and a fifteen-month-old who have us up half the night for one reason or another. By the time they both settle in the evenings, it’s usually my own bedtime, but I have to face the daily grind of cleaning up and preparing for the next day. When this is all finished, a person with any sense would go to bed! However, I want to unwind, so I stay up much later than I intend to, resulting in my crawling into bed at an ungodly hour, and crawling out of it at 6:30 am to grab a shower in peace before the kids wake.
During the day, if my youngest happens to nap, the opportunity to sit down is practically handed to me on a plate. But there are so many things to catch up on around the house. Before I know it, she’s awake again and I haven’t had a break. So my question to myself is: How can you stay calm when you are lacking in sleep? So I need to take the opportunity for a nap and not feel guilty!
2. Kid-free adult time
Spending time with my children is something I thoroughly enjoy, albeit challenging at times. But we all need the company of other adults, preferably without children around. Meeting up with old school friends transports me back to my teens. Magic. This time away from my children and with people my own age helps me remember myself and miss my children, thus appreciating them more. It helps me to deal with chaotic episodes and parent calmly. So be intentional about making time for adult conversation!
3. Alone time
Being pulled in every direction is a part of being a parent, especially if you are a parent staying at home. It’s a constant firefight, day-in, day-out. Time alone is a reset button for me. I can take stock of things, gather my thoughts and plans, check in with my physical state and look inwards for a little while. However, I don’t make time for it.
Every evening I can feel my fuse shortening, my forgetfulness increasing, my temper rising, until I realise I haven’t had a minute alone all day. When baby is sleeping, you really can’t switch off. If I were to make more time for myself, just to “be”, I would definitely be able to keep my cool in those tricky parenting situations. Silence and reflection replenish the soul and give us an opportunity to feel human again and reconnect with the why of what we do!
4. Hobbies and interests
Do you remember learning a foreign language in school and listing your hobbies? Then, all of a sudden, you look up and you have very few pastimes or none at all. Life takes over. Your days get filled with work, school runs, playdates, laundry, admin and everything else in between. When you do get a rare chance to pick up the guitar, dust off the piano keys or open a book, you can feel a little piece of my past self has been returned to you.
To parent with patience and calmness, we need to disconnect and reset. Music and reading replenish one’s soul unlike anything else. Is part of losing one’s temper due to a tiny bit of resentment bubbling in the back of one’s mind? Or simply running on empty and not stopping to feed the spirit as well as the mind!
5. Let them get it wrong
How often we lose it with our children because they are wrong and we feel the need to tell them. The good news is, it’s not your job to prove them wrong; just allow them to be mistaken. A strong desire to show someone up as wrong could be our ego barking. While it is my responsibility as a parent to educate my children between right and wrong. At the end of the day, I need to remind myself that I cannot control the choices they make and ultimately they will have to learn from the consequences when they get it wrong - after all mum and dad won’t always be there.
6. Be happy or be right?
I was recently reminded that if I choose to be happy over winning every heated discussion with my kids, my life would be more enjoyable, and I could become a more relaxed parent overall. Which is more important to me? My simple phrase to pause my argumentative self is “Don’t go for every bun fight!”
We are the life guides for our children; maybe if they witness our efforts, they may mirror this in their own lives going forward. Efforts at self-care aren't just for you, it’s for them. You can then possess the energy, tolerance, and patience to parent calmly.
