If someone were to say the phrase “intimacy in marriage,” I’d hedge my bets that our thoughts would jump pretty quickly to what’s happening physically. And of course, physical intimacy is an absolute essential to a healthy marriage, but focusing solely on what’s happening in the bedroom is missing the mark somewhat.

Part of the trouble of living in a culture that is saturated by and obsessed with sex, is that we can sometimes neglect to see that building intimacy in marriage is really about so much more than just improving your sex life. In fact, I’d argue that cultivating emotional intimacy is actually a prerequisite!

So what exactly is intimacy?

The intimacy in marriage is the deepest kind we can cultivate, as it involves our entire being - our heart, soul, intellect, emotions and the physical. Being intimate means we allow another person to know our very deepest and private nature. They become so familiar and close to us, that we can share any aspect of our lives with them. Emotional intimacy isn’t something that happens overnight; we could spend our whole married lives working towards it. Here are six things we can do in our marriages to cultivate stronger emotional intimacy:

1. Assume their best intentions

When I was newly wed someone once told me that I should always “speak well and think well” of my spouse and if I have an issue or difficulty then address it respectfully and in the way that I would like to be treated. Unfortunately, that can be a hard thing to do when we feel annoyed or let down by our spouse. It can be so easy for us to strip our relationships of all joy, hope and love, simply because in the busyness of everyday life, we forget the positive aspects of our partner and see only the negative and assume they’re out to get us! Often, it’s a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication.

2. Show empathy and compassion

We all make mistakes and when we do, the last thing we need from our life partner is judgement or the blame game. Recently, I made a parenting faux pas - not my finest moment - and I was so grateful that my husband had compassion for me and was so willing to understand why I acted the way I did. He knew that I already felt guilty enough. Listening to our spouse and knowing their needs, before they even know their needs themselves, is a great way to connect and build trust and intimacy.

3. Be generous in your praise

At least once a day, find something positive to say to your partner, or something that you appreciate about them. Very often, we take the simple things they do for granted. Perhaps, it’s taking the bins out, or stepping in to cool an argument among the children so we aren’t bothered or it’s a last minute dash to the shops because we forgot something. Yes, these things are part and parcel of family life and each spouse is expected to pull their weight but we know how it feels when we are noticed and thanked for all we do. It’s good to return the favour.

4. Be vulnerable

Being vulnerable with each other about the things we find hard or the struggles we have can be a terrifying prospect, because we worry that others won’t love us if they knew what we were really like. But in a marriage we should feel totally free to be who we are, not who we think we should be. That means we accept our spouse, defects and all. Much in the same way they accept our defects and love us in spite of them, and are willing to help us grow in virtue.

5. Deepen your friendship

When we get married, we become ‘one’ but that ‘oneness’ isn’t set in stone the day we say “I do.” A good marriage is always trying to work at that ‘oneness’ and in order to do that we need to make our relationship a priority. I’ve heard older couples say that building a solid and lasting marriage has been the most important commitment of their entire adult lives. No matter what else life had thrown at them in the busyness of work and parenting, their friendship always was priority because if it suffered, then everything else did too.

6. Work on your communication

How many times have we heard it said that men and women communicate differently? We all know it yet communication in marriage remains a hot topic! I remember once reading that men communicate with facts and women communicate with feelings. It’s no wonder that this difference could lead to a few troubles! It’s important to talk a lot, and really try to understand the ways each other communicate. Simple practical things we can do, can be setting aside a specific time each week to discuss logistics or plans, or being very clear on what we need, or repeating back what we’ve heard to ensure there’s no misunderstandings. Communication is something we’ll always find ourselves working on.

It’s important to remember that intimacy is something that needs to be cultivated constantly in marriage and it’s even more important in the busy seasons of life when a couple could end up like passing ships in the night. Even starting with one pointer here can and will make a big difference!