Building resilience in children

Photo by Shelby Deeter on Unsplash

“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It’s the courage to continue that counts.”

-Winston Churchill

Why is resilience important for our children?

Have you ever felt like you can’t cope? I suppose we all feel like that at some stage. And many times it may feel as if a black hole is beginning to swallow me up. And this may happen more often depending on the level of resilience we have built up. Every parent wants to help their child develop some level of resilience so that when those curveballs arrive they will be able to manage a bit better. 

I am not too sure if anyone is capable of being completely resilient in every situation in life. But if our children can learn to thrive and not merely survive, it will benefit them greatly for the future.  

Why are children not as resilient?

We all know that experience builds resilience. As we encounter different things in life, good and bad, we learn how to deal with them. However, children, these days have the odds stacked against them. With all the technology that we have today, everything is so much easier. The fact that kids have easier and quicker access to things becomes self-defeating. Because what happens then is that ordinary things offer a greater challenge to them.  

You may remember as a kid how you had to rush to the loo during an ad. break on “The Den” so you wouldn’t miss the next bit? This “struggle” does not exist for children today. Today’s society seems to be motivated by self-gratification rather than fulfillment. In other words, the results become more important than the journey. It must be tough as a child to focus solely on the goal, and not the experience of getting there. If the goal is not achieved, it can then feel as if they have achieved nothing. 

I was always like this as a child, and into early adulthood. In the last few years, I have learned to focus on the journey, and it has helped me build up resilience. I now try to do this for my four-year-old child, who is a perfectionist, and who easily loses sight of what’s important.

In today’s world, it's inspiring that we can all motivate each other, and lift each other up. But do you ever wonder what pressure could be put on a child if they are constantly told they can do anything? Maybe we could explain more to our children about how hard work, learning curves, and stumbles along the way have a  real value. 

If children and young people expect certain things, and the reality ends up being a far cry from it, it becomes very hard to cope. I like to think of happiness in relation to expectations and reality. The smaller the gap between our expectations and reality, the happier we will be. In an attempt to achieve this, I work hard to achieve my expectations, as well as trying to lower those unrealistic ones. And I try to pass this on to my two daughters.

But sometimes I wonder, am I bordering on pessimism? 

It’s a tough balance to strike. 

Facing your fears

We’ve all had the feeling of being faced with something we don’t want to do. You have all the excuses lined up, and have played out the worst possible outcome in your head. Yet when it does happen, it is not that bad. I don’t believe in forcing children to do something they don’t want to do. However, if there is something they are worried about engaging in, perhaps we could as parents/teachers/ mentors encourage them to do it. Talk them around it. 

When we don’t face our fears, anxiety begins to mount up. We begin to tell our brains that this experience is dangerous, so faced with this situation again, we become even more anxious. 

Maybe our kids could build resilience by facing some of their small fears more. And this in turn can reduce the levels of anxiety considerably. This is something that I have found difficult, as I don’t want to allow my children to walk away every time they feel a bit nervous about something, but I don’t want to dismiss their fears either. I think striking the right balance comes with time and practise.  And certainly, parents get plenty of that! 

It's fair to say that one of the biggest fears around is the fear of failure. I believe that fear of failure is a recipe for a lack of resilience. I have been a victim to this for many years, and have hoped I don’t pass this on to my children. However, I notice my eldest daughter is not very resilient when it comes to making mistakes. I found familiar patterns emerging when she got things wrong. When this happens, I ask her what she did wrong, what has she learned from it, and what would she do differently next time. 

I hope it’s working.

The important things in life

I often wonder if we were to instill in our children what the really important things in life are, would that develop more resilience within them? Of course those  ‘important things’ are relative and subjective. For example, would our kids be more adaptable if less importance was placed on the number of ‘likes’ they get on social media, on their appearance, or any of the cosmetic and superficial fads of modern-day life?

You may well ask what should our children value in life?

I think that most people would agree that family, friends, health form some of the main values in our lives. If we were to constantly remind our kids of what’s important, they may not sweat the small stuff, and take things in their stride.

Resilience vs protection

All in all, we want the best for our children. We all have different ideas of what is best, but I think most parents agree they want protection for their kids. However, too much protection can backfire, as a child needs opportunities to make mistakes, and thus develop resilience. I think we can all agree that the ideal situation lies somewhere in the middle. Our children look to us for guidance. Hopefully, we can help them learn from their mistakes, enjoy the journey, and not just the outcome, face their fears, and come to know what’s really important in life.

I got a lot of inspiration for this blog from a seminar I attended delivered by Aware. See aware.ie for more information on resilience.