I think there are only a small number of people who can embrace conflict and welcome it with open arms. Instead, most of us want to run at the first hint of a conflict. Conflict however is an integral part of everyday relations. It is endemic in every society and like everything else in life has a good and a bad side to it. However, conflict, when used wisely, can provide a huge opportunity for change and development.

When conflict is destructive

Conflict can be negative and destructive when it leads to behaviour that may undermine another person or humiliate them. Sometimes conflict generates emotions such as anger, frustration and maybe even suspicion of the motivations of another person. These emotions can muddy our patterns of thought or the way we think, and we end up using a certain tone of voice, or language that can demoralise the other person - perhaps as a way of defence.

We all know what it’s like when our values are being challenged or ridiculed. Or what it feels like when we are asked to do something that goes against our principles and beliefs. Situations like these can inevitably lead to conflict which often turns sour. We think of conflict as destructive when it leads to aggression, a lack of respect for others, bad manners, rudeness or even abuse in some forms.

How can we navigate conflict better?

So how can we turn it into something positive when things become confrontational? Perhaps the first thing may be to convince ourselves that we can actually change our approach. And one thing that can help that is by cultivating a more robust and healthy sense of curiosity. It might be good to stand back a bit from the situation or space of conflict and assess exactly what is happening here. To practise listening more closely to what people are trying to say but maybe saying badly. To pick out pieces of information and work with that.

It can be hard not to take conflict personally, and we may find it difficult to move forward when we can’t see past the attack. It might help us to acknowledge that although we may not like it, conflict is a part of life. Perhaps we might need to be honest with ourselves and ask ourselves if we harbour some kind of ill feeling that ends up taking the form of the thought ‘I want to win, you have to lose.’

If we can realise that the most important thing in a situation of conflict is to supply what people need, then we will have found the solution when we meet that need. Of course, this may mean that both sides have to concede something. We can thus change the tone of conflict and replace destructive conflict with a more effective connection. 

How can we make conflict productive?

Conflict, particularly in the workplace, can identify practices and processes that need to be improved. By creating an environment or space where people feel empowered to challenge and share their opinions or raise difficult and contentious topics then people will flourish. If staff feel comfortable raising opposing views or concerns to management this can actually strengthen relationships - providing we all try not to take conflict personally. Otherwise, problems will fester, and effective communication is inhibited. Without conflicting ideas and differing viewpoints people and businesses fossilise. Some of the best solutions to problems can flow from healthy discussions that involve diverse perspectives.

Conflict gives us the chance to choose 

Conflict offers us an astounding space of possibility. Many times, the quality of our decisions is improved and enhanced when we thrash things out more fully, in a respectful manner. When we are engaged in some kind of conflict we have choices. We can choose words, actions and ideas that open up possibilities or ones that end up stunting growth. Conflict can enable us to be more open to changing our perspective and suspend assumptions about what others will or will not do, about what is or is not possible. Conflict can encourage new approaches and new ideas that can facilitate change and innovation, as well as strengthening interpersonal relations.