A while ago a friend told me about a date that he had been on. After 30 minutes into their meeting, his date produced a “personality questionnaire” for him to fill in.  She had come equipped with pen and paper, so he was given no opportunity to deliberate on the issue. On completing the questionnaire it became clear that they were not ‘compatible’ after all.  

I don’t claim to be an expert in determining compatibility within a relationship. However, my friend’s experience did provide me with an opportunity to reflect on the topic of compatibility again, and to try and unravel it a bit more.

Knowing yourself - first

‘Know thyself’, as the ancient Greek aphorism states, often involves coming to know ourselves better. Knowing oneself might involve being aware of how we respond to certain situations or events.

 What puts you under pressure?  

In what situation/s do you find that you are most comfortable?

Where or in what environment do you feel it is easier to be yourself?

 

It may even boil down to knowing our preferences when it comes to activities and interests, or how we like to spend weekends. Ultimately though, it means discerning what our own core values are – who we are, and what we want to be.  

Without determining these things, determining compatibility with another person becomes almost impossible. It is like putting the cart before the horse!

Don’t place unnecessary restrictions on your choices 

It might mean that we have to think outside our comfort zone when trying to achieve some form of compatibility within a relationship. None of us want to choose a partner for the wrong reasons - to simply reduce our search for the ‘missing piece’ 

Instead, we should pick people who challenge us and can help us grow. Just picking someone who ‘completes’ or ‘matches’ us can merely limit our personal growth. 

Maybe we can take chances with people who initially may make us feel a bit uncomfortable because they show interest and care for us. We all possess the power to change qualities within us, or about us, that we don’t necessarily like, and that can prevent us from coming closer to a person. It is very good to think about your dating patterns in the past, especially the ones that didn’t work. To examine some things such as:

What inner dynamics were at play that hurt those interpersonal relationships?

Do you have a tendency to be overly critical? Critical of others? Or self-critical?

Have you tried too much to control the course of the relationship?

Do you have a habit of deferring too much to your partner?

By identifying your own defenses and critical inner voices, you can begin to separate the real YOU from those unhealthy learned behaviours that you have developed in response to hurtful experiences.

It is better to adopt a more open-minded attitude when we experience hurt in relationships. Of course, our natural instinct is to defend ourselves. But an open mind frees us of complications and makes it easier for us to connect with the other person. Once bitten twice as shy is often the space we find ourselves after a failed relationship, it is never a place to stay, safe and protected as it is. We need to be proactive and move on having learned and grown from a previous experience.

Don’t see yourself or your partner in a box 

We won’t ever be compatible with another person in every single way.  Perhaps we imagine our soulmate as needing to be exactly on the same page with regard to everything from likes to dislikes to temperament. You do not have to feel the need to share the same interests.  Couples should encourage each other to enjoy their own interests, and perhaps share them with others. They should also be open to engaging in each other’s interests and trying out new things.

Maybe we need to identify our own sticking points, and the things that we are willing to give in on, or compromise on. Something that can help with relationship compatibility is a greater openness to trying out new things,  or having a more positive attitude on receiving feedback, and also having the desire to grow and change for the better.

Friendships 

If you look for just one person to meet all your needs, perhaps you’re looking for too much from one person. A relationship can never fill all your needs. No one person has all of that capacity, and you should not feel burdened with fulfilling these expectations.  

We all need to make good friendships. Good friends offer us a broader base of support and companionship, which leads to mutual fulfillment of our needs. They also give us an opportunity to regain perspective, as sometimes we can adopt a blinkered vision in our one relationship.

Really hear what the other person is saying 

Do you have unrealistic expectations or demands in a relationship?

Or are you compromising your core values in a relationship?

 Both you and the other person should be willing to listen to different points of view, and to really hear what the other person is saying. This may mean looking closely at body language, as well as actually listening to what the person is saying. Respecting the other person’s opinion, and the way in which they think, can help determine compatibility. This can often become a path to a more peaceful outcome. It may sometimes mean that you decide to go separate ways.

Why the need for compatibility in relationships?

I suppose it all depends on one’s personal situation. For example, if you want to get married it is certainly worth considering how compatible the other person is for marriage.  The initial charisma and traits that attract you to someone may not necessarily last beyond the first years of marriage.

When it comes to the issue of compatibility in a relationship it will always be important to show respect and love for the other person apart from other things like offering support and being loyal to them.

Someone once wrote  ‘There might be a lot of physical chemistry within a couple, but without the compatibility of life philosophy and interests, then the relationship will likely not be long lasting.’