What is love? - CS Lewis on friendship
Photo by Jordan Ling on Unsplash
In our modern world, one could easily be forgiven by answering the above question with a simple answer: love is a feeling.
Is it though?
Is love, this most unique of the human experiences and capacities simply a feeling? Indeed love itself is so complex that the ancient Greeks rightly had four names for it. The names given to these loves were philia, eros, storge, and agape.
For the purposes of this article, I would like to focus on the first of these, The ‘philia’ form of love. CS Lewis wrote “To the ancients, friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves”, It was said to be “the crown of life and the school of virtue…’
It’s interesting to note that the ancient world held friendship to such high esteem. One school of thought for this is that friendship requires a certain amount of giving without a return of exclusivity. For example, in a romantic relationship, one has the affection and undivided attention of one's other half but in friendship, one has to accept a friend is unlikely to be able to give you their complete undivided attention. You may be one of a group of important people in the other person’s life, as opposed to the exclusivity seen in a spousal relationship.
What is friendship based on?
In this form of love, this acceptance of another person and giving of one's time/affection was deemed by the Greeks to be of the highest value. Strong friendships are certainly the training ground and cement that allows us to fully be ourselves and in turn accept and then give ourselves to others. Lewis wrote “friendship must be about something”. When we apply this to our friendships this certainly rings true. When I think of strong friendships in life, they all involve a common bond or love of something. From that grew a relationship where I could be fully myself and count on that other person to share some of life’s most jovial and carefree moments to being able to count on them in some of my bleakest hours.
Lewis said “friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another, What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” Another insight from Lewis on the nature of philia love encapsulates this well. He said, “eros will have naked bodies; friendship naked personalities.” This form of nakedness if you will, allows us to be vulnerable, to be truly ourselves, and to be accepted as ourselves.
Yet it’s true that whilst we share ourselves with our closest friends we also acknowledge that this person is not exclusively ours. They may have other people in their life, they may go on to get married, they may enter a convent, they may move to a new country but the bond of friendship remains. With true friendship, we have an assurance that whatever life throws at us our friendship is stronger than the current situation. In many ways, this is what makes this form of love formidable. It transcends circumstance.
The power of friendship
Friendship can be transformative and start all types of movements from rock bands to intellectual movements. Two intellectual giants of the 20th century were known for their friendship. JRR Tolkein author of The Lord of the Rings and CS Lewis, known for writing the chronicles of Narnia, were close friends in Oxford. Lewis was an aethiest turned Christian was already a rising star in Oxford and widely accepted by society. Tolkein a devout Catholic, was generally thought of as aloof and didn’t enjoy the same popularity as Lewis in the circles they mixed in. However, there blossomed a strong bond of friendship between the two. There’s no doubt their common love for literature, creating alternate fictional worlds and a common search for the truth bonded them together. Their friendship likely led to countless hours spent in deep discussions and debates in cosy pubs in Oxford. What’s not to say this deep friendship between the two didn’t inspire their greatest work and solidified them in their faith and pursuit of truth?
True philia love can bond us to another and help us in a way become more fully aware of who we are and as a result more able to allow ourselves to be truly ourselves. By having a companion on the journey who shares our interests it can spur us on and lead us to things we never thought we could achieve.
An example of true friendship
For a glimpse of a radically different yet equally enriching type of friendship, I invite you to look at the friendship between Ruth Baden Ginsburg (RBG) and Antonin Scalia. Both justices nominated to the supreme court in the US and both on two very different sides of the political spectrum. These two unlikely characters who shocked polarised American politics by being the best of buddies despite their opposing political standpoints. And why is this?
It’s simply because they saw the goodness in each other. Whilst those around them saw ‘Democrat vs Republican’. They simply enjoyed each other’s company. RBG is described as having to conceal her laughter in court as Scalia would make her laugh uncontrollably. They argued furiously on legal matters and debated heatedly with each other but more important than that was their undeniable tremendous respect for each other. Their friendship even led them to notably travelling in India together and even performing in an Opera together.
Their strong bond of friendship was seen in their admiration of each other despite their differences. Their friendship exemplified the very best of the human capacity to love. Whilst both of these friendships are strikingly different what’s clear is the ability of this philia love to elevate a bond between two people. It demonstrates the strength that lies in this oft-forgotten form of love. Philia clearly has a transformative power, as evident in all forms of love.
As CS Lewis wrote:
“The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”
Perhaps as we reflect on these two different examples of friendship we can reflect on our own lives. We can see how our own friendships have shaped us, helped us along our path and in its own big and small ways helped shape us. It is clear how friendship, this important yet often forgotten form of love has formed people throughout history and continues to leave a permanent mark on our own lives today.
