When finances get in the way of your marriage.
Photo by Katarina Šikuljak on Unsplash
My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th anniversary and prided ourselves on our common ground. We decided to go away for a weekend by ourselves, and chose to ignore all the tensions over the years. We blindly saw our union as an accomplishment that forced us to grow and be reshaped for the better, however slowly that may be. We championed ourselves as inventors of a blissful marriage, much like a Home Improvement Reality Show.
We took time to reflect and acknowledge that if our core values were different, we would have a deep hurdle that we might not manage to overcome. One by one, we discussed some of our greatest marriage achievements such as our children, and moving closer to family, followed by our disappointments in marriage. Memory lane brought us to our initial encounter which was meeting at church in the context of music. My husband was willing to pray with me, went to the same church, and wrestled sincerely and deeply with matters of faith. We were two peas in a pod. It was lovely, the best-case scenario I could’ve hoped for, as he exceeded my initial “list.”
Bills to be paid
Then the first month of bills came after our wedding. He was a mathematician who hated drafting budgets and planning, to me it didn’t make sense. I thrived on tight budgets, receipts, and paying things off early. Later I’d acknowledge it as my need to be in control. He called it repayment anxiety, but I just didn’t like being in debt to anyone. Although he shared my value of being debtless, his solution was to never buy anything that needed debt. And so, began our disagreements about finances.
He had moved in with me, and felt left out of the house because my name was on the apartment. Then there was our joint account. At that time, he made less money than me, but he was the one with the PhD. He didn’t have the car, I did. He began to resent living in the apartment, and a long train commute. While he tried to keep me from overspending on groceries by buying them and cooking for me, my pickiness got in the way, and I’d make extra trips for things he “forgot.” It came to the stage where I was forced to take a step back and see things from his point of view.
First time parents
When our first child came along, we had already worked out a mortgage & financial plans, bought our first house after pinching and scrimping. I worked extra hours, and he took up a new job that forced him out of academia, and into a reliable well-paid career that allowed me to stay at home. We valued the traditional family model, but both sacrificed our career dreams to achieve it. If either of us had been stubborn about career, we would’ve felt trouble in our marriage.
Identity shift
The identity shift of new job, new home, new parent took its toll that year, and our marriage felt it. Debate after debate about house, in-laws, how many children to have, schools, and living costs all fell into our few, free moments as parents new to the job. It took many humble lessons from our parents, together with the effort to see things from the other’s point of view, to overcome the many challenges in that time.
Perhaps confession, church, and prayer helped. Although we’re not perfect, and certainly still don’t see eye to eye all the time, our commitment to God’s model of unconditional love gives us a chart to follow. Yes, we love the other despite their asking for our love or deserving it. We keep loving because we see the potential beyond their faults, not ignoring another’s faults, but keeping in perspective how God sees us. We should ignore our own runaway emotions and laugh at ourselves, or at least step outside and laugh at our situation a bit more. Laughter has squashed many a fight in our house. It’s when I start thinking too much of myself, that I’m lost to the “me”, and the “we” suffers.
Glass half full
I’m always asking God for strength, humility, and patience, perseverance, and a rosy future, especially Hope. This is KEY!! If I go down the road of anxiety, and worry, I’ll run my husband into that hopeless corner. I’ve found my husband just wants to fix things, solve them, so I’ll be happy. When I go down the worried path of drawing attention to anxious ideas, I only make my husband feel more defeated. I want him to know I can see a bright future together, and remember the fun and fabulous times we’ve had. It also doesn’t hurt to acknowledge it a bit more when he really does solve or fix something!
Our modern age wants you to throw away the rose-colored glasses and see everything in plain sight. A good marriage can’t survive if we are too problem based and ignore optimism. It’s the glass half full, not half empty situation. My rule of thumb is to put on the glasses 80% of the time, because I’m a terrible pessimist, and need to see what can, instead of what can’t work. Sometimes the fear monster needs to be ignored or belittled so it can be seen for what it is - mere Fiction. I really do want my husband and children to know I can see a bright future, and to work around obstacles, with the hope of a loving, secure, and stable family life.
It has been said the two most fought about subjects in marriage are children and finances. My own story only reinforces this idea all too clearly, but with the help of rose-colored glasses, I can see what my family can and will look like, God willing.