Can you keep friends and make them as an adult?

Photo by Alyssa Strohmann on Unsplash

“We’re with you, whatever happens” Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

The most common topic of conversations I have with my friends is how we don’t see enough of each other. Life is so busy for everyone, now we are a certain age. We all have jobs, responsibilities and other circles of friends we need to make time for too. However contrary to our sporadic and mostly seldom meetings, I feel we all know that we are here for each other, no matter how long it’s been since we’ve spent time together. 

My tight group of school friends have been in my life for a very long time. We have been through thick and thin together, and even though we may not see each other very often, when we do, it feels like we just pick up where we left off. I sometimes wonder if it’s the sight of their faces that takes me back, as well as having developed a chemistry over the years that surfaces when we are face to face. I believe that chemistry has grown organically from our combined experiences both positive and negative such as memories we have created together like school trips, lost weekends and the right-of-passage that is the Sixth Year Holiday. Perhaps we are just destined to be friends, or maybe we unknowingly work hard at our friendship because it’s important to us. Either way, it has a hugely positive effect on my life.

My friends, first and foremost, cheer me up. When we get together, we are transported back to our school days; reminiscing, teasing each other, laughing, crying … the list goes on. Before long, we find ourselves discussing the latest deals from IKEA, or swapping ideas on what colour to paint our kitchen. We often stop and say, “What’s happened to us?” Although our conversations have changed slightly, we still have a very close connection with one another which is hard to describe. After spending time with my school friends, I always feel a swelling feeling of gratitude.

I of course have other friendships I have developed in my adult life; mainly through college and the different jobs I have had over the years. Each one of these friendships is fulfilling and has a positive effect on me for different reasons. One particular friendship, which flourished in my mid-to-late twenties, is built on the foundation of having struggled through something very unique together; that experience is something no one else in the world understands. I really feel this challenge we both experienced has solidified a friendship which I am confident will last for as long as we do.

So, how do we safeguard friendship? I would love to know the definitive answer. I try my best to keep in touch with my pals, which sometimes can be hard due to life being so hectic. I think good friends understand if you haven’t been constantly in touch for a while. I’ve never been reprimanded by a friend because I’ve fallen off the radar for one reason or another. In my opinion, this could be a big factor in keeping a friendship alive. 

For me, friendship is a two-way street. Understanding, love, acceptance, support and criticism when relevant need to come from both sides. In my opinion, this also applies to receiving these gifts. For a long time I would have been slow to accept help, compliments or support from friends. Now that life is more complicated and- let’s face it- harder, I have found that reaching out to my friends and asking for their help, opinion or advice on something has brought us closer together. 

I also strongly believe that if a friend lifts you up, supports you, helps you and is critical towards you when needed, these qualities automatically pull you back towards them on some level. If a friend drags you down or makes you feel drained, you’re unlikely to meet them for a coffee in a hurry any time soon. 

From what I have seen, sharing experiences can be a great way to solidify friendships. Often, when I go through something difficult or challenging, telling my friends about it can have an enormously positive effect on me. For me, it’s not about fixing the problem but rather hearing a friend talk about a similar experience they had. The feeling of not being “the only one” is a huge help to me and gets me out of the bubble I usually find myself in. If none of my friends have gone through the same thing I have, I still gain hugely from sharing with them, as I always get the right amount of advice, criticism, support and sympathy which, again, doesn’t solve the issue, but I walk away feeling much lighter than before. It’s true what they say: “A problem shared is a problem halved.” 

I truly believe that to lay the foundations of a good friendship, honesty is a huge factor. There is nothing worse than lying or being lied to; and in turn it breeds mistrust and sometimes resentment. I think these two factors merely drive people apart and don’t make for good friendships. I do believe, however, that sometimes too much honesty can be damaging or hurtful to a friend. My policy is this: If a friend upsets me, I either say it to them and clear the air, or I forget about it and move on. If I don’t agree with something a friend is doing, I will only offer my opinion if I’m asked for it, or if I think they are putting themselves or others in real danger. Someone once said to me “If someone is willing to gossip with you, they are willing to gossip about you.” This has really stuck with me. This may not be the right way to do things, but it works for me for now. Being an only child, I am not good with confrontation and am very diplomatic, so I find being gently honest is something I am good at. Brutal honesty is not my forte, although sometimes it’s needed, and that’s when I run a mile!

As well as honesty, there needs to be some sort of unconditionality to a friendship. On the one hand, unconditional love, in my opinion, can be tricky in friendships. If a friend treats you badly, I doubt you would hang around too long. On the other hand, if you walked away from a friendship every time a person upset you or wronged you, I don’t think you’d have many friends left. If a friend does something to upset you or has a negative effect on you in some way, I think talking to them really helps you get it off your chest, and also see things from their point of view. In my experience, people who have hurt me have done it unintentionally, and I’ve discovered this by discussing the problem with them. So, what is unconditional love in a friendship? I think supporting a friend through all their challenges and triumphs is a type of unconditional love. Being there for them, no matter what, shows you are their friend, and of course it works the other way too.

I wish I had all the answers to keeping a friendship safe and alive, especially as you get older. However, I do think the keys to a successful one are to remember that everything works both ways, sharing experiences works wonders, honesty is the best policy, and supporting friends will have a positive effect on you both.