From only child to family of four

Photo by Brandon Morales on Unsplash

“Home should be an anchor, a port in a storm, a refuge, a happy place in which to dwell, a place where we are loved and where we can love.”

- Marvin J Ashton

Growing up

People don’t often realise I’m an only child until I tell them. When I was growing up and people came to know my situation, the words ‘lucky’ and ‘spoilt’ always came up. It sometimes bothered me, as the reality was somewhat different. 

Having your parents’ attention all the time isn’t always a good thing, they always knew where I was, and I could never get up to devilment.  I used to wish many times that all eyes were not on me and being labelled ‘spoilt’ used to frustrate me, as I didn’t always get what I wanted.

Sharing - things, time, space, food

As a child, I never really had to share much, except with cousins and friends, which for me was ‘temporary’ sharing. What I have always found difficult to part with is my attention, my space, and my time, and not material things as such. I was so used to doing solitary activities with no interruptions, so as I grew older, I found this type of sharing really tough. Intense social interactions would wear me out, and I never liked people standing too close to me.  

I never experienced competition at mealtimes. When I would visit family or friends, I would suffer from culture shock. They would wolf their food down for fear of it being eaten by someone, and I would find to my chagrin that my crispy pancake had been replaced with a floret of broccoli.

Nowadays, I live in a very different household, with a different position within the family.   As a mother of two children, I have no concept of personal space, either physical, emotional, or mental. I am no longer being minded, pandered to, or watched over carefully. 

While motherhood has been incredibly rewarding and satisfying for me, it has also been a huge struggle. Sharing all of these things has proven to be more difficult than I expected. 

But I have tried to turn this challenge into a valuable lesson, into acquiring new skills or maybe adding strength to my character. It has helped me to realise fulfilment goes a lot deeper than having your own things.  I think ultimately it has made me a more tolerant, more forgiving, and a less judgemental person. However, there are times when all of that goes out the window, and I just need space.

Being listened to

My parents always made time to listen to me. As I find myself in the chaos of a family of four people, I find my voice is not so prominent. I found it tough at first; everyone would bypass me and coo at my now four-year-old, who would babble and blow bubbles to the delight of my parents and relatives. These days, my four-year-old has a very definite voice of her own, and between her and her eight-month-old sister and my husband, I miss this engagement that I received as a child.

All this has been an adjustment. And while this feeling of not being listened to has challenged me, I have learned that as long as I can get the important stuff across, I will find a friend or relative to chat to about other things. Or the classic only child symptoms - I will chat to myself.

Quiet vs chaos

My cousin used to label my childhood home ‘The Quiet House’.  The three of us would potter from room to room, reading, making jigsaws. Mam would leaf through a newspaper, Dad would browse through a book or sleep if he had been on a night shift.

On weekends, I would visit my cousin’s house, and half-enjoy half-dread all the noise and bustle there. Sometimes I find myself filled with contradictory feelings. There are times where I could burst with happiness on seeing my two girls play, squeal, bang drums, and generally cause havoc. It brings me so much joy. 

But there are also times when I want to run away and go back to ‘The Quiet House’, bury my head in a book, and have some peace.

Conflicts and competition

As a child, I recall visiting friends and relatives where siblings would fight incessantly, or so it seemed to me. I often ran away in the face of these rows. I remember seeing two brothers that I used to babysit, fighting over a broken remote control car aerial, and surrounded by a room full of toys. I could not fathom why they could be bothered. It was broken. But they both wanted it, so that warranted a mega row in their eyes. 

Sibling rivalry is something I will never understand and something my husband spends a great deal of time explaining to me. He has an older brother and a twin brother, so you can imagine the competition in that house. It certainly built resilience!

As an only child, most conflicts in my life were between me and my parents. It was tiring having to take the blame for things all the time. I often wondered what it would be like to have a sibling to take up arms with. I also missed having a sibling to share the blame for things.

However, one thing that has improved for me on the topic of disagreements is that in a family of four I can generally expect to have someone on my side. There is no doubt that home is a place where we develop both roots and wings - security and a sense of adventure. 

Sense of home in both situations 

I often think about these huge differences between my current home and that of my childhood. For me, they are both home. I have loved and felt loved in both homes, I have had good and bad times there, and I have always felt safe.  

We all need home, somewhere we are loved for who we are and not for what we do. A place where people love us enough to want us to grow into the better me and to journey with us in that discovery. Each step of my journey in life has been a moment of growth to embrace the values I hold dear; love, generosity and commitment. 

The expansion of my family has shown me how homes may differ, yet core values remain the same.