How can I stop getting frustrated with my kids?
It was roughly ten days into the ‘Covid-19 Lockdown’ when I had my first meltdown. And when I say meltdown, I mean a full scale ‘don’t look Mammy in the eye, she's gone a little unhinged’ type meltdown.
Spoiler alert - it wasn’t pretty. I admit it here now because I think in these times, we have all seen the less desirable aspects of ourselves and through a microscopic lens too.Just to give a bit of context - I suddenly had five tiny people all at home at once, some of whom expected me to deliver a full school curriculum complete with ‘golden time’ and Pinterest worthy arts and crafts exercises. Two then developed a fever and cough - cue the “do they have Covid?” angst. I was heavily pregnant with baby number six. Our house looked like a fly tipping zone. I had developed severe sciatic nerve pain because of my ever expanding baby bump, and I could not get a grocery delivery slot for love nor money! So one afternoon, when I had been asked for my twentieth snack of the day, I quite simply…popped. The constant demand on my energy and time was just too much. I stomped off to my bedroom in a flurry of rage, torment and a few ugly sobs - I'm not really a pretty crier. Twenty minutes of spiralling, a bit of fresh air, a hot cup of tea, and I was through the other side of my meltdown. Because let’s face it, mothers don’t really have time for that anyway.The situation that we find ourselves in at the minute makes the demands of motherhood a little tougher. Whether we’re a stay at home mother, or trying to juggle professional work with homeschooling, all the ingredients are in place for a pressure cooker situation. Even in the best of times, constant demands and interruptions can wear us down. Let’s face it - we may be women but we’re only human! So how can we overcome the sense of frustration and avoid meltdown? Here are some tips that have helped me cope a bit better.
Know the things that set you off
We all have things that irritate and annoy us, whether it be the door banging closed as children run in and out, the lego box tipped all over the floor again, or the conveyor belt of snacks you’re expected to keep in stock.
Whatever it is, we need to find a way to turn it into a positive. Thinking of the words of Viktor Frankl certainly encourages me.
He said “between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
When we are faced with those irritations we can either allow them to chip away at our peace, while resentment and fury build up, or we can freely choose to pause, breathe, and draw some good from the experience.
Sometimes I’ll try to pick one little thing a week and see if I can ‘manage’ my own reaction a little better. I’ve learnt that it’s actually me who suffers the most from my own ‘giving off.’ Even just taking five minutes to consider my response rather than firing with my gut reaction helps me stay calmer. Will we always get it right? Absolutely not! Life is a series of beginning again and again.
Defuse the pressure points
Every family has those times when you know things are going to be challenging.Before Lockdown we had things like school runs, dinner preparation, managing bedtimes etc.Whatever it is, maybe work together with your spouse to try and be ahead of these challenges.
Prepare school uniforms the night before.
Make some snacks in advance.
Put school supplies out on a table before panic arises.
Try and recognise when a child’s pressure points might erupt in order to navigate it better.
Get up early before your kids
Well this is so much easier said than done, especially if you’re a night owl like me! When I hear my husband in the morning (he’s a great early riser) and know that’s also my cue to get up, I am internally weeping, but I know that I’ll be glad of that half an hour or hour by myself.
Whether you use it to get ahead with some tasks, have some time to pray, or simply enjoy a quiet cup of coffee, that time in the morning to myself helps me to get off on the right foot and I don’t feel like I'm chasing my own tail.
Recognise when you need a break
In The Lord of the Rings, author J.R.R. Tolkien has his hobbit character Bilbo reveal that he feels “thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.” Here Bilbo was referring to the effects of his old age. but these words have often come into my mind when the daily demands of motherhood are beginning to overwhelm me.
It would be so easy for us as mothers to stoically accept the constant demands and keep on going, no matter what, in the belief that we will be of better service to our family. Yet we’ve all heard that popular phrase ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’, and in the past I used to take that with a pinch of salt.
However, as our family has expanded and demands on my time have grown, I’ve realised just how important it is to carve out time for myself. Not in a selfish way, but in order to love and serve my family better. That’s what motherhood is - service.
Of course we know that we need to keep going, with the help of the virtue of fortitude, but without some time to rest and reset, that service will become resentful and grudging. I recognise now that my recent meltdown was precisely because I was caught up in my own martyr complex of ‘I have to do everything around here.’ I was feeling “stretched.”
Yes, I probably do have to do a lot, but I also need to do some things for me. And so do you! Is it a chat with a friend? A nap? A bit of fresh air? Whatever it is, do it and enjoy it without the ‘mom guilt.’
These are challenging times, but even without a pandemic, children will always be children and there will always be demands on us as mothers. Sometimes the days are so very long, but take a deep breath, enjoy your tea when it’s hot and know you are doing a great job - despite the meltdowns!
