There is nothing more beautiful than friendship.  

The whole experience of having lived in different continents and, as a result having learned to decipher cultural codes, has made me reflect on friendship more deeply.  How come some people make friends easily and some don’t?  Are cultural traits key to friendship? What are the things that add up to being a good friend?

I picture each friendship as a single conversation which can expand over one, fifteen or fifty years.  A conversation that – as its etymology implies - is not just the utterance of words, but a shared experience which is deeply personal.  A shaping of minds and hearts which takes place amid the ups and downs, ins and outs of life.  Over time one gathers an eclectic group of friends, and often, you are the only common friend to most of them.

Like everything that’s worthwhile, forging friendships requires effort and courage.  Courage to take the first step and running the risk of being ignored, or worse.  Courage to overcome the fear of engaging the heart and running the risk of being hurt or disappointed.  Courage to strip oneself of protective layers and reveal one’s true self in a natural and transparent way. A word of caution here: this is very different from someone who is suffering from ‘too-much-information-syndrome’

Genuine interest is essential in friendship.  If someone is telling you about her family or a trip she is excited about and the sole response she gets is: ‘right’, ‘lovely’, ‘very interesting’, and that’s all, well, that’s as much as saying: ‘I don’t want to hear anymore thank you’.  Showing interest starts by knowing how to ask appropriate and timely questions and remembering what’s important to people.  

Friendship brings great joy.  Friends are happy to see and be in each other’s company.  It also brings pain because friends take on each other’s sufferings as one’s own.  But what a great consolation it is to know someone is there to support and console you when it is your turn to suffer. As St Augustine said: What gives us consolation in this human society filled as it is with errors and troubles, if not the sincere loyalty and mutual love of true and good friends? (City of God)

But above all, a good friend is someone whose heart and mind is large enough to create a vital space for others to move freely and be unashamedly themselves, warts and all.  Perfection is not a word that should ever be used lightly but even less so when referring to friends.  By their very nature, relationships are always messy.  The premise in friendship is not perfection but affection (a personal fondness).  I must admit, I am always uncomfortable when I hear someone say: ‘so-and-so is so disappointing or has disappointed me’.  Of course, a friend can and does let you down at times, they behave badly.  We all do.  However, that’s different from having a personal measuring stick and personal ‘expectations’ others should comply with.  

Feeling accepted and understood is the pinnacle of friendship, so it follows that making friends with people who share the same culture and similar upbringing is undoubtedly easier.  However, in my experience, one can have an amazingly wonderful friendship with people who don’t share your mother tongue or culture.  But for these friendships to flourish you must allow yourself to be fascinated and drawn in by their culture and history so as to be able to understand and accept them for what they are and have come to be.