Piling it on

Yesterday, after much discussion, I agreed to find another guinea pig for our lonely little one.  I need to mention that I needed another pet in the house like a hole in the head, but I had promised my children they could have another guinea.  So, my search led me to find two more, a total of three.  Forget that I’ve taken on three volunteer jobs that absorb my mornings, I had to take on three guinea pigs.  My husband thought me mad.  

I’ve just started finding time to myself in the morning  after my three children have headed to school. But I’m already filling it with more responsibility. 

I fill my time with “to do’s” that I don’t really care about. 

This means I avoid figuring out what I’m really meant to do, or find purposeful. My first step is to become time-rich again. To free up my schedule for things I find more meaningful and more productive.

Maintaining

After having 3 children, and 7 pregnancies in the first 8 years of marriage, it’s just so familiar to me to just survive, to just get by daily.  Every morning I used to lie in bed praying, “God give me the strength to get up and take care of my family today.” As a busy mum & wife, I typically forgot to ask for strength to take care of myself.  Now I’m feeling at loose ends when space in my day presents itself and I don’t have my to do lists prioritised. All my lists run together, a constant bleed from one day’s lists to the next.  

I’m not thriving or surviving, but maintaining.

It’s so easy when you know the priority is to change a soggy nappy, or make dinner for your family. There’s so much of my day filled with busy tasks, that I’ve forgotten how much I enjoyed a good deep soul searching dialogue.  

I’m a social learner, and I often set goals around creating community.  I love finding advice and guidance from others in weekly meet ups to bounce ideas about child rearing and life.  In COVID times not having my close friends at hand, or regular mum support groups to attend has spun me into a tangle of unnecessary tasks. 

Change takes courage

I know I need to “work smarter, not harder.”  For me, there exists a place of self-reflection in the early hours of a winter morning, or a late night after everyone’s in bed.  Journaling has typically redirected my habits, and held me accountable even when my friends can’t.  I’ve got to make time to reset, and organise my life again around the things I truly value. 

In reality, most people I know share my selfsame reality.  They don’t value being busy all the time or being distracted by the ordinary daily routine.  It helps them to identify their hang ups or stumbling blocks in life. They do this typically  through self reflection, types of confession, and talking truth to yourself.   

The highest goals

However, if I am being truthful with myself I would have to admit that self-reflection in itself does not work for me. Because I’m not always asking the right questions of myself or my life.  Most of the time, my life achievements  and rites of passage end up as part of the description of who I am.  I’m a wife, a mother, a social worker, a musician, a faithful friend, and sometimes a braggart.  

But what is my most important goal which holds my self-worth together?

Relationships make healthy goals

Someone once said to me there are four good ways to help our relationships with others;  personal growth,  prayer (speaking with God), reading God’s word (listening to God), and worship (being in God’s space).  It struck a chord with me, that yes, all my relationships hinge on what I’ve learned and applied from Christ’s teachings.

Practicing the virtues and pursuing the most meaningful things in life are what give me value, purpose, and self worth.  Love, peace, patience, kindness, joy, loyalty are the intangible treasures of maturity and faith.  These things lead to a life well lived, and a life well focused.  Building on the highest goals.

God sees both the broken and the complete. He sees the healed person that he intends us to become.  It is in and through our realities that his grace works. Not in some perfect universe where he is not needed.  It is this perspective, God’s perspective which gives me a sense of purpose.

My goals and my understanding of where I’m going have changed over time.  It’s no longer a question of, ‘Am I surviving or thriving?   My goal is to see the steps to my dreams honestly and clearly, fearing less about successes or failures, and keep God’s purpose for me in mind. 

Like my friend said to me while looking through a telescope, “Turn it around, Karen, turn it around.”