This is the second post in a two part series on conflict in marriage. You can read the first part here.

Any time we experience a conflict in our marriage, whether it’s over something big or small, we may be aware of all the things we shouldn’t do. However, when things get tense and heated, all reason can go out the window - unless we have some strategies in place of what we should do instead!

In our previous post, we looked at some communication patterns we should definitely avoid during an argument with our spouse, based on the research of Dr John Gottman from The Gottman Institute, who labelled these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” This research, which informs his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, also shows that couples who employ what he refers to as “the Antidotes” have a much better chance of managing conflict in a healthy manner.

Positive communication builds connection

One significant point from the book and the overall research is that for every negative interaction we have with our spouse, it takes five positive interactions to counteract it. This is quite startling when we think about it - it’s not even a one to one balance! It’s so important to be aware that every negative interaction we have does add some damage to the connection we feel in our marriage. It’s a good idea to consider what this ratio is in our own relationship; could you recall at least five positive interactions in the day? Especially if there’s been an argument? 

So what are the antidotes? What strategies can we put in place to communicate to make sure conflict doesn’t get the better of our relationship?

A Gentle Start Up

The antidote to criticism when we need to make a complaint about our spouse's behaviour or an omission on their part, is to use a gentle start up. Which means we try to soften our approach. Using “I” statements rather than “you” means we focus on how things make us feel rather than attacking or accusing our spouse. If we talk about our feelings using I statements we are communicating our own needs, and our spouse doesn’t feel as though their character or integrity is being attacked or belittled. Dr Gottman has stated that their researchers can predict how a conversation will end based on how it starts. Using a kinder tone, bringing up the issue at the correct time and being mindful of body language are all ways we can counteract the horseman of criticism.

Build a Culture of Appreciation

Regularly reminding ourselves of our partner's good qualities and having gratitude for their positive actions is the antidote to contempt. It means we try our best not to spend our time always noticing the negative things but trying to be appreciative of and grateful for the other person - to notice the things they have done well, or are at least trying to because they know we desire it. Showing appreciation and respect for our spouse in little ways every day means we have a greater capacity for dealing with any negative things that do happen. One small thing we can do is to make a mental list every day of the things we’’re grateful for and regularly express it.

Take Responsibility 

The antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility for any wrong doing on our part and  offer a sincere apology. If we react with defensiveness everytime our partner brings up a criticism or complaint then we never really deal with the problem at hand, or have any empathy by seeing things from our spouse’s perspective. Marriage is an opportunity to value different ways of doing things and explore differing opinions on things.

It’s worth noting that there is a difference between making excuses and explaining reasons why we behaved the way we did; explaining why is a clearer way of communicating our perspective and crucially, is open to the perspective of our spouse.

Physiological Self-soothing 

Stonewalling, the fourth “horseman” is when we emotionally shut down or completely refuse to communicate with our spouse during a conflict discussion. The antidote suggested to counteract this is to take a break from the conflict we’re experiencing and do something that is soothing and distracting. It doesn't really matter what we do as long as it calms us down. Why is this a good antidote? From The Gottman Institute:

“In one of our longitudinal research studies, we interrupted couples after fifteen minutes of an argument and told them we needed to adjust the equipment. We asked them not to talk about their issue, but just to read magazines for half an hour. When they started talking again, their heart rates were significantly lower and their interaction was more positive and productive.”

Gottman’s research goes on to suggest that the break should be at least 20 minutes and it’s important that within this time we don’t re-play the conflict in order to wallow and give into indignation or develop a victim complex. Without having that calm and ability to reason, we are more likely to act or speak from a place of anger and with intent to hurt, which can only be harmful to our marriage in the long run.

We may never fully resolve conflicts within our marriage because even the very best relationships inevitably experience conflict. Rather the key lies in how we manage the conflict. Dealing with it in a way that keeps the friendship in our marriage intact is the most important thing.

Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life and sometimes difficulties arise that we can’t fix on our own. It's really important that we seek out trusted help and advice from people and organisations who specialise in marriage therapy and want the very best of us and our relationship, such as Retrouvaille Ireland, Cana Ireland or Marriage Encounter.

Disclaimer: every person should feel safe in their marriage. If not, please seek help from someone who you trust. The organisations above can signpost you to the best and most appropriate help.