“If you have something to say, then say it. If not, then enjoy the silence while it lasts. The noise will return soon enough.” - Hugh Jackman

The worrying feeling of having nothing to say

I often feel that I’ve nothing to say. There was a time when this niggled at me, forcing me to wrack my brains as to why? What was wrong with me?  And how should I fix this?

There’s an ebb and flow to our language and communication just like the seasons. Maybe we are full of the right words, expressions, and opinions about things, and then there are times when our voices are quieter and more peaceful like winter. In my experience, there are other factors that can also contribute to a spell of being a bit dry vocally.

Temperament

Some time ago a colleague gave me a book entitled: The Temperament God Gave You, by Art and Laraine Bennett. This book helped me to understand better both myself and other people. It spoke about the four temperaments a person may have.

The extroverted temperaments, choleric and sanguine, display their thoughts and feelings externally. Cholerics tend to question things in detail and enjoy a debate. Sanguines are genuinely the life and soul of the party and react quickly to a situation. 

The introverted temperaments, melancholic and phlegmatic, focus their thoughts and feelings inward. As a result, introverts tend to be quieter and slower to react to any given situation. To my surprise, I discovered that my main temperament falls into the introvert category, even though I do not consider myself a shy person. 

However, I have learned that introverted people tend to react to situations internally rather than externally. I wonder if this is why I sometimes have nothing to say. I am reluctant to respond to a situation quickly. I prefer to think about it, assess it and then respond. When I discovered this about myself, I began to accept that I need to process things internally before reacting to them. 

Social anxiety

Sometimes I can be a victim of social anxiety. I know it’s probably all inside my head. But my confidence levels can plummet in some social situations. I can convince myself quite readily that I am unable to cope with the particular situation.

And of course, my reaction can be either to talk too much, or shut down and say nothing. Let’s face it, either way I end up saying nothing. If I babble away with words just coming from my mouth I am saying nothing of great value. The worry of managing a social situation can fog my mind, and make me think that others are judging me from behind their coffee cups. 

I try to tell myself that the reality is very different. That they probably don’t notice. That it’s ok if I don’t have a lot to say.

Difficulty in expressing emotions or opinions

In situations where someone I love is in pain or experiencing an emotional turmoil, I find I am not always good at offering words of comfort to them. I become weepy and over emotional, and unable to find the right words. But maybe words are not what that person needs then? Maybe a smile, a hug, or a care package can give the right message and encouragement?

As for my opinions. Generally, I am quite confident about where I stand on a particular topic, but why I have that opinion can take me sometime to figure out. I find I can start a debate in full steam and suddenly deflate like a balloon, only to realise a long time afterwards what I should have said.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I’m trying to work on this one!

Lack of motivation

Regardless of your temperament or your ability to express your emotions verbally, it’s fair to say that we all experience lulls in our lives, where we have “nothing going on”, no hobbies or interests or little social interactions.

This of course can lead to lower motivation and dips in our confidence. And of course, the subsequent feelings that we don’t have much to say that is of great value and so we remain silent.

Maybe there is something to learn during these times when our motivation and confidence plunge? Are we being too hard on ourselves, thus feeding into the cycle? I suppose if we gave ourselves a break and allowed these lulls to come and go, they would leave us a lot quicker. These lulls in life are normal - not everything can be fun and exciting. 

I’ve often wondered if what I say matters to others. A friend of mine always reassures me “you are enough.” Repeating this intention to myself boosts my confidence and reminds me that what I say does matter, however little it might be. And no matter how I feel about myself on the inside - I can always try to reach out to others on the outside -  distract from my dark thoughts and then I am off! 

Having nothing to say - that’s ok!

When I am comfortable with people, Social anxiety does not bother me too much. This begs the question … do we always need to say something? Real connection and communication run much deeper than words. 

What is real connection anyway? 

The ability to be present with another person or persons where links are established through body language, facial expressions, touch, good deeds … the list goes on. 

Of course, I am aware of the importance of words, but sometimes it is ok to be the person who is not saying anything. This may lead to more self-reflection. It’s fair to say it can increase the level of consideration in a person. The less you’re saying, the more you’re listening, which is an integral part of communication. In order to communicate effectively you need to stop talking for a time and listen to a person’s ideas, opinions or stories. I really think that people with good listening skills make very good friends. 

I think I speak for most people when I say that in difficult times it’s not people’s words that I remember, but their faces, their hugs, the cups of tea, the small details they had with me, and everything else in between.

Then there is the other side of the coin. Emotional highs. Where we don’t always say much when experiencing a happy moment. Sharing joy with someone can mean that we engage with them emotionally and not necessarily verbally. Cheerful smiles, whoops, jumps, hugs of joy- to name but a few- can often be a very good substitute for words. 

So when I feel that I have nothing to say, I try to remember that words will come back, but until then I will make use of the silence and fill it with content.