Oscar Wilde once said,  “A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it can be fatal.”

Recently I was reminded of the phrase ‘Honesty is the best policy.’ I admit I had to struggle not to be cynical and pessimistic. Maybe because the world I inhabit seems to be very far removed from the policy of honesty. The reason for this is perhaps that we find it so hard to take the truth about ourselves.  We do believe in kindness and compassion. But somehow honesty is a little trickier.  It requires courage, tough love with oneself and others. 

But experience also tells us that if we are silent in our truth-telling it can come back to haunt us.  So if shirking moments of honest feedback can work against us, why do we shy away from honesty?  For the sake of personal comfort, or not wanting to rock the boat or the fear of it not being received well. But is that a good enough reason to step away from honesty?    

Notwithstanding all of this, I suppose if we are completely honest with ourselves, we will admit it is not easy to be honest all the time in all situations. 

Self-deception

It is easy to fool and deceive ourselves. We offer all sorts of excuses for our behaviour or lack of it. In fact, we can become experts in dodging the real truth of situations. When we are late, it is the traffic, when the diet fails we can blame Christmas or the job we failed to do, we were well too busy I am afraid. And in more serious situations, yes, I drink every day, but I don’t think I have a problem with alcohol and so on.  

It starts small…

It is easy to seek alternative narratives, outlets, or even scapegoats to protect us from the blunt rawness of bare truth about ourselves at times. 

We may value truth, but many times we hold off on it, just for now.  Is it perhaps that we are afraid to face it squarely because we are not sure if we can face the something that it is telling us about ourselves?

The real me

Maybe the question we should be asking is what kind of person I want to become. I was recently watching one of the much-loved All Creatures Great and Small series,  and in it the vet James Herriot is described by his fellow vet as someone “who always does the right thing, whatever the personal cost”. There is something so noble and attractive about this approach to life. Honesty is part of that approach.  Someone who chooses integrity, not because they are perfect but because they want to live for something more and beyond themselves. 

They don’t claim to be better than anyone else. 

But what is clear is that they will try to be the better version of themselves even if it is unpopular at times and even if they fail other times… 

Honesty in relationships

If we are being honest we have probably told many white lies and paid numerous empty compliments to countless friends. It always leaves one feeling as empty as the compliment itself. What we are craving is honesty but an honesty that is not hurtful but gentle and kind.

Why is that so hard to do?

We often think being honest is not compatible with having friends. Why? Because people are not able for the truth about themselves and frankly we don’t want to be the ones telling them. After all, it is the truth about themselves they should be facing. 

But, here is the rub.  

We don’t have to say everything that is going on in our minds about things and other people. Sometimes we need to filter and select according to the particular context and situation. As my mother used to say, there is a time and place for everything. 

We look for honesty in our relationships. With our spouse or partner or children, or close friend.  When someone is honest with us, we are freed from the tyranny of worrying about our performance, or whether we are good enough, or measure up, or all the petty worries that can assail us in relationships. Because the honesty that exists in a relationship that matters to us will ground us and also generate more trust between us and the truth-giver. 

We appreciate honesty when we meet it, as we know it takes guts and courage- and even grit at times- to be always honest. Let’s face it, many of the really solid, weighty relationships we now have are sustained by the honesty within them.

Relationships fracture because of a lack of honesty. Shakespeare's Hamlet’s inner fracture is tearing him apart. He feels enmeshed in a net of lies and deceit and does not know whom to trust. He craves honesty but is surrounded by duplicity.  Instead of stepping away and choosing a life of honesty and integrity apart from the royal court, he lets the corruption that surrounds him destroy his character and his relations with other people. 

The value of silence 

Silence can be dishonest. But silence can also be very honest and can speak louder than many words. As someone once said, ‘Silence isn’t empty, it’s full of answers.’

We have all had our own experience of grief and sudden loss or tragedy whether directly in our own family and relationships or in those of the people close to us. And I suppose we too have had the experience of seeing the value of silence in these times. 

Times when words don’t count, only silence, times when we were engulfed in grief, and the only honest language is the language of silence.  In a silence like that, the truth screams much louder than any words ever could.

Conclusion

I believe the consequences of being honest are always positive and constructive and enable us to move forward. We just need to know how to say the truth without wounding. And while we all crave loyalty in our relationships, it would serve us well to consider that we cannot expect loyalty when honesty is absent, one precedes the other.