Is self-care selfish?
Earlier this week, I stumbled across a few Instagram posts extolling the virtues of self-care. Which was probably understandable given the fact that Mother’s Day is celebrated this month and we all know mothers need a little TLC. Tags such as #selfcare, #selfcaresundays, #selfcareideas sat underneath a plethora of beautifully styled images of face masks, bubble baths, freshly cut hair and freshly painted nails; absolutely gorgeous. Yet when I looked at my current appearance in the bathroom, surrounded by laundry piles and toothpaste smears, let’s just say it felt…un-relatable.
I’ll be honest with you, I have a very difficult relationship with the phrase 'self-care.’ Perhaps it triggers an idea in my psyche that if I put too much time into my self-care then I am somehow neglecting others (namely my children) and therefore I must be selfish - which isn’t really the truth at all. I’m just being dramatic. We all know why we should put on our own oxygen mask first, but it can still be hard.
Truth be told, the ideas of self-care that are generally floated on social media actually make me feel anxious. Like having one more thing on my to-do list! Taking care of ourselves is important and perhaps what I really need is to reframe what self-care means for me in this season of my life. What does it actually look like for me as a busy mother in the middle of the world juggling all the things? Yes, the long soaks in a hot bath sound like absolute bliss but nine times out of ten, I’m sharing the tub with a bunch of bath toys and a preschooler banging on the door. Hardly instagrammable eh?
However, the older I get (and the more children I have) I’m learning that for me, self-care is not something that I necessarily need to add into my life but rather tweaking a way of living that allows me some time to focus on those things that really restore me. So I can go back into the fray uplifted and joyful.
I’m sharing here three questions I’ve started to ask myself, which might help you too, so you can find the best self-care for you.
What is it that truly and genuinely up-lifts me?
When we are in the midst of a busy life, working, parenting, caring for older relatives, volunteering, we can easily forget what it is that we truly relish doing. Maybe you absolutely love a spa day. If that’s your thing - go for it. Other women might love a hike up a mountain or a morning in a hip coffee shop journalling or people-watching. Maybe you long to dust off that instrument that’s been in the corner unloved or join a choir. The important thing is that it’s something you find restorative and encouraging.
How can I get smarter with time?
Time really is a treasure and there are so many demands on our lives that we can often end up feeling time is in short supply. Ask yourself, what do I give away my treasure to? On a practical level, things like doubling up when you cook so you have a few meals ready in the fridge/freezer can give a few hours here and there. If you have children, set a chore list for them and ignore the temptation to redo something if it isn’t up to your standard (plus you’re teaching them a valuable skill.) Leave a snack station easily accessible for toddlers if you need a bit of peace in the morning. There are tweaks we can make with our time - perhaps the first step to self-care is taking the time to see what we can do going forward.
Do I need to set some boundaries?
One of my recent audio books was all about boundaries, and listening to it I can see how easy it is to have very little agency over what we do. Especially when we’re busy and we don’t always have the time to reflect and think. Sometimes we can find ourselves being more reactive to what’s happening to us rather than being proactive. We find the day deciding things for us rather than us being intentional and thoughtful about what we need from the day. Sure, we can all make plans and the things can disrupt them, but having clearer intentions for the day means we have more agency, which leads to less resentment.
Perhaps, at the heart of self-care for me, is the idea that every human being has an innate dignity and worth; including myself. If I want to treat others with the respect their dignity deserves, I have to include myself in that as well. What fills your cup so that you can more easily pour into others?