“Where is the Life we have lost in living? Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?” - T.S. Eliot Choruses from the Rock

Very few of us want to miss out on things. 

Fun, laughter, connection with others, and celebrations are always a draw for us.  Let it be said that there is no joy in missing out on these experiences. We all want to be happy and there is nothing wrong with that. Isn’t that what fulfills us? The belly laugh, the pleasure of a glass of wine, the joy of meeting old friends (indoors!).  

But if we are being honest we kid ourselves from time to time that happiness comes not from simple pleasures and connection with others - but from having more stuff or the fear of missing out - on anything - that looks like more fun than we are having. And here JOMO is replaced by FOMO.

FOMO

It wasn’t until 1996 that the ‘fear of missing out’ (FOMO) was coined as a concept by Dr. Herman.  He referred to it as the feeling or the perception that others are having more fun, living better lives or experiencing better things than we are.  

Sometimes this FOMO takes the form of paralysing us and stops us from achieving or doing what we want to in our lives. It can prevent us from living in the present and savouring some golden moments that can truly inspire and edify us.

Social media

Endless studies indicate that social media is when FOMO started getting competitive! Our devices were to blame - infinitely addictive with their bright and colourful images and alerts enticing another swipe, as we sneak another peek at another home more beautiful than our’s or another sample of the elixir of youth!

Deep down we know swiping endlessly or ruminating on what we could be doing and what we are not doing - instead of what we should be doing - takes away our inner peace, our real sense of connection and fulfilment in the stuff of ordinary life. 

We end up living in a kind of suspended space between reality and aspiration but working towards neither! Tom Cruise’s matrix perhaps! 

I find myself musing about the amount of brainpower that we spend gazing at our small screen daily. Couldn’t that brainpower and emotional energy be used in so many alternative, creative ways? To enrich our relationships perhaps, to work on improving our communication with other people, to write exciting books and articles, to make movies…the list is endless.

Antidote to FOMO? Disengage

It takes deliberate practice to willingly miss out on all the options and possibilities open to us. The joy of missing out - is a reality for many people, because they have chosen it. 

Many studies have shown that deliberate disengagement from the constant clamour for our attention is a minefield of possibility. It opens us up to deeper connections, to the world and deeper relationships to other people. Ultimately, it brings more joy. 

So turn off your alerts, install an app to measure the time you spend on your phone. Make plans and choices that are bold and stick to them. Make a list of things you and your loved ones would like to do if you had time - and see what you get to! Getting off the grid creates more time - become time rich for once!

Focus on what you have 

Rather than focusing on what you lack, focus on what you have. Family, friends, a job whatever it is.

Never be surprised that this can take a real effort - to relearn to focus and give our full attention to what we have and value it. As the Travis song ‘Side’ goes, “That the grass is always greener on the other side. The neighbor's got a new car that you want to drive.”

Maybe your feed is bombarding you with images of what you could have, or could look like, or places you could have gone. 

There is an art in learning to be happy and content with our lot, with what we have, with how we live. Wouldn’t we thrive more by accepting lesser outcomes sometimes? 

Scott Sonenshein reminds us in his book ‘Stretch’ that happiness is not found in chasing - but in stretching.  When chasing, we exhaust ourselves in the pursuit of more. When stretching, we embrace the resources we already have. A “stretching” mindset can help us find the value of our resources and constraints and become more creative when faced with limited time, money, resources, and expertise. 

This is the art of acceptance of the now, cherishing it, instead of wasting energy on “what could have been” but probably never would have been. In simple terms, to learn the art of saying No or at least not for me right now!

Connect with real people

How often when we start living or working with different people we appreciate what we have at home, the people we live with and their qualities. Their idiosyncrasies that once annoyed us can even become more endearing!

Do we connect with the people we live with? 

Do we really communicate with them or is it only about chores, childminding, lists of things that need to get done - even a cup of coffee or time for a hug show that we care and value them. 

Connect with reality 

Take a look at the things that make you come alive. Go and do them. Why? Because the world and others need people who are alive.

And because then you can fill yourself with that real joy of missing out on things that don’t add to your life. Instead, you are more focused on the real joys of your life and those you love.