“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.” – Anne Frank

When you look up quotes on loneliness you get a plethora of conflicting thoughts. Some say that loneliness is the worst thing ever, some say it is necessary. The quintessential image of loneliness for me is that of a human being sitting in a window seat, looking out into the grey tear shaped raindrops and curling their body in on themselves. I also associate this image with sadness. 

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd of people? 

In my late teens and early twenties at social gatherings, I would look around me at all the people who seemed to be getting on so well together. Then I would find myself retreating to a quiet area away from the crowd, and make excuses to leave. I don’t know whether I felt sad or just disconnected. Perhaps I put it down to the fact that ‘I’m not good at parties.’ And also I think I had a romantic vision of what it meant to be a lonely artist.

There did come a stage in my life when I began to make real and authentic connections with people. However, I still don’t feel all that comfortable in large groups of people. But now I am better able to handle myself. I realise too that I need and crave time alone more and more. I need it to process, and think and also to rest. Maybe the instinct of my younger self, to go off on my own in party situations, to reflect and just be with that feeling of loneliness, rather than being indulgent, maybe it was actually therapeutic. 

Does loneliness tell us something about ourselves?

Maybe loneliness tells us something about who we are, where we are and what we need. I remember one evening while studying abroad we had a celebration night of some sort. 

We were all dressed up and I have great photos of me with friends laughing and enjoying ourselves. At some point however, my loneliness kicked in and I found myself walking outside through the grass to the stone wall separating the grounds from a farm. 

For some reason in that place and time loneliness wasn’t a call to feel sorry for myself, I found myself sitting with that feeling of loneliness looking at the night sky and the cows in the meadow below. The loneliness drew me to appreciate that moment of beauty all around me. 

A prisoner’s loneliness

Recently I was speaking to a family man who is currently serving time in prison. He said to me ‘It wasn’t until I was in prison that I understood the difference between loneliness and being alone.’ His observation was multi-layered. He was lonely for his family, he missed connecting with them on a daily basis. He also discovered that being alone wasn’t all bad, he was able to look at parts of himself he never would have before. 

You are very rarely alone in prison, unless you have your own cell, and even then you are likely to hear your neighbour and everyone else on the landing, but you can still feel very much alone and certainly there is a lot of loneliness in prison. Maybe in this instance his loneliness opened him up to what being alone can offer. Solitude brought him to a place of self reflection and of even further appreciation for all that he has in his loving family. 

The pandemic - less personal connection 

These past few years we have spent less time in each other's company, this has given a lot of people more time and space to reflect. There has been great loneliness and there also has been talk of much deeper connections with those within a household. 

Of course everyone’s experience of isolation has been different, each of us has a different threshold for loneliness and for human interaction. You often hear of people taking advantage of the lonely among us. 

I recently saw an article in the paper about lonely victims being taken advantage of via dating apps. So how do we allow ourselves to be lonely, and vulnerable, without being taken advantage of? I think we often see loneliness calling us to find a companion. But what are the other things that loneliness can point us to?

In my life I have seen loneliness as a call to feel sorry for myself, to find deeper connection, to heal wounds from the past that block connection, to find connection in the gorgeous creation around me. 

Beauty and pain of loneliness

Sitting with the pain of loneliness, like any other pain, such as grief, can be terribly debilitating, but it can also reveal answers to deeper questions. It can show us what we value and what we are really looking for. 

I thought my loneliness would be cured by being in a romantic relationship, but that did not prove to be true. I actually had some work to do on myself before I was ready to be in a relationship.

A Canadian journalist and novelist once said that one of life’s cruelest ironies is that when you feel lonely you most need to be by yourself. There is both beauty and pain in the state of loneliness. Being alone can be a sad and harsh experience but it can also serve to connect us to the bigger picture of our lives and prepare us to be connected to others on a deeper level.

Maybe we need to take more time out to feel this power of being alone and listen to what loneliness is trying to tell us.

“Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone” - Stronger sung by Kelly Clarkson.