Making and Keeping Friends When we Don't Have Time

Photo by Alexander Suhorucov

Recently I asked my youngest daughter if she was excited about starting back to school. Like most little children, she lives completely in the present and it took her a moment or two to even consider what it might be like following the routine of a school day again. Eventually she said “it’ll be nice to see my friends again.” 

We all remember those days of school when we were with our friends for hours on end. It seemed as though our lives were solely about our friendships and all the fun and drama that entailed. Friendships weren’t just a part of our lives, they were our life.

Friendships change as you get older

Fast forward a few years and things look a little differently. Suddenly so many other things vie for our time and attention: spouses, children, professional demands, elderly parents, finances…the list is endless. Unfortunately our friendships may now find themselves falling to the bottom of the heap. And the older we get, the more we find it difficult not only to maintain our friendships, but to try and forge new ones. And when life is busy and there is so much to do, we might even find ourselves asking is the effort even worth it?

Is life better with friends?

The short answer is: absolutely, yes. C.S. Lewis has a lot to say on friendship and when reading recently I came across this quotation of his; "friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." In recent months, as I’ve been in newborn survival mode, I’ve been so deeply grateful to friends who checked in on me, especially when I was so limited in what I could do in return.

Prioritising our friendships isn’t always easy so what concrete things can we do to make sure we keep our friendships? And not only that, but can help us to make new ones too.

Reflect on what makes a friendship strong

Sometimes we might need to take stock and ask ourselves what do we really value about our friendships? Research suggests that we need to spend around 200 hours together in order to forge a really close and meaningful friendship. Not all our friendships can achieve this and that’s ok. We might have lots of different types of friendships and sometimes we might need to choose who to invest in. 

That isn’t meant to sound cold or calculating, but it is true that we have different types of friends for different needs and reasons. This isn’t a new idea - the ancient Greeks knew this! In fact Aristotle believed that “perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue” and goes on to assert that we can really only have this kind of friendship with a small number of people. But it does make us realise just how much effort is needed on our part; these kinds of friendship don’t just happen by accident. In the first place we need to cultivate the kinds of characteristics that make us a good friend to others.

Make time and be intentional

Inertia can kill a friendship and sometimes we have to really make meeting up with our friends something we stick to no matter what. Recently I was struck by the fact that I never leave the hairdressers without making my next appointment and reflected that this is a good thing to do in friendship too. Before you leave, set another date in the calendar and stick to it. This can be especially useful in a group setting - whoever can make it, makes it.

Sometimes, because of life circumstances, we can’t meet our friends as often as we’d like. However, being present to a friend doesn’t always mean being physically present. Even just by thinking of them and letting them know they’re in our thoughts, is a way of connecting. We all love it when we get a text out of the blue, or a voice message on whatsapp, or even a card in the post! These are all simple things that we can do for our friends. With little people about, I always get distracted or pulled away mid text so one thing I’ve found helpful is to set a reminder on my phone for the evening with a list of who to contact and when. It might seem a little robotic but it helps me to prioritise people and give them the attention they deserve. 

Allow yourself to be vulnerable

No one wants the risk of rejection, judgement or embarrassment but the reality is that friendship, or indeed any relationship, simply can’t grow unless we are willing to be vulnerable - to really let people in. Otherwise, we might feel as though we are living our life with a mask on. We need to be open and honest, even if it feels uncomfortable.

Everyone wants that “you too! I thought I was the only one” moment, which can only come when we are prepared to reveal who we truly are. In short, we have to be authentic. And sometimes that might not work out and we can end up a little burnt. But ask yourself this: is it worth losing yourself just to stay in a friendship? At the end of the day, a friendship where you hide yourself isn't really a friendship after all.

We may have to put in effort with friends but at the end of the day, perhaps it shouldn’t feel like an effort. For more on prioritising our friendships, check out this episode of the podcast.

Let us know your thoughts…what ways have you made time for your friends?