Parenting books – what to take and what to ditch?
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
written by Siobhan Scullion
I still remember the first proper ‘parenting’ book I put my hands on. I was newly pregnant with my first child, just past those first three months when all I had been able to do was lie in a nauseous heap, lamenting the fact that I felt like I’d been hit by a bus. People told me the pregnancy ‘glow’ would come – I’d just have to be patient.
I wanted to know as much about my pregnancy as possible. During that time, I read article after article online as I lay on the sofa, devoured the pregnancy magazines and literature from the hospital and googled everything about what I should expect when expecting.
Pregnancy advice was one thing, but when I spoke to others about actual parenting, the advice I received swung like a pendulum between decidedly doomsday and saccharine sweet. I knew neither approach was completely true, so it was during the fourth month when newly energised by my second trimester glow, I searched for my first parenting book on the shelves of the library. It was mostly about pregnancy I admit but the title did include the words “…and beyond!” As I flicked through the pages, it slowly dawned on me that carrying the baby was only a small part in the grand scheme of parenthood. It wasn’t simply a case of changing nappies. I had to raise, nurture and form.
Parenting is my life’s work and something I take very seriously. But like anything worthwhile, it takes a lot of effort and sometimes I don’t simply ‘know’ the answer. For every parenting dilemma I’ve encountered, there’s a book out there offering help and advice. One search on Amazon alone will return over 60,000 results! Where does one even begin to start? Six children in, I’ve read my fair share but if I read every book under the sun, chances are I’d actually become more overwhelmed and more confused than ever. So, when we are looking for parenting books to help us in the task of raising our tiny people, what should we take and what should we ditch? Here’s a few things I’ve learned along the way that have helped me to choose what I read.
Identify your family values.
We all know our own children and family best and it’s worthwhile taking some time to think about what our children really need from us as their parents. What culture and atmosphere do we want to create for our children growing up, being aware that they learn a lot through osmosis? Every couple will know what is important to them and we are ultimately responsible for what we want to impart to our children. Being clear about our own values and beliefs can help us in making sure we don’t waste time with books that don’t align with those standards.
Understand the psychology.
It seems as though as a child’s brain is constantly developing – from the once docile baby who suddenly starts to cry at anyone but their mother, to the toddler who defiantly declares their independence to the four-year-old constantly asking why. These stages can be so very tough and require every single ounce of patience from a parent. However, reading about the psychology behind certain types of behaviour has helped me to grasp why it’s happening. Plus, knowing in advance what’s coming down the line has allowed me to be better prepared and subsequently better able to respond to my children appropriately. One book I’ve found helpful in this area is “The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, as it offers practical strategies as well as the theory.
Recognise the difference.
It seems so simple and obvious when we read it in black and white but every child is different. They react differently and they feel differently regardless of age or maturity. I’ve learned to ditch the one size fits all parenting approach and look for books that will help me to understand each child’s unique personality and temperament. I find the concept of the temperaments particularly interesting and one book I often come back to is “The Temperament God Gave Your Kids” by Art and Laraine Bennett. It has really helped me when it comes to finding approaches and strategies that work for each individual child, and reminds me to enjoy my children!
Encourage the positive.
Finally, it’s always much more encouraging to read something joyful and uplifting. One book I absolutely loved reading was “Raising a Large Family with Love” by Rosa Pich. Even though the author was frank and straightforward about difficulties in family life, I enjoyed it simply because it was just so positive. I steer clear of anything that encourages advocating guilt or shame when it comes to children’s behaviour or anything that lacks hope, no matter how great the parenting difficulty!
With that in mind, I’ve always found it much more helpful to choose books that focus on helping children (and myself!) acquire virtue rather than willfully eliminating the defects or behaviour that’s driving you crazy. Although I know that it’s important to recognise when we do need to fight against certain negative character traits, reframing the focus onto having something positive to work towards, suits my own personality and parenting style better. It also helps me to feel much more encouraged on those days when it seems like no parenting book will ever help!
As children grow and develop into each new phase of their lives, so do we as parents. There is so much great material out there to help us on our parenting journey and we should take advantage of it. Those phases are also opportunities for our learning, growth and reflection - and definitely a great excuse for a trip to the bookshop!
by Siobhan Scullion - wife, mother, writer, lover of poetry, baking and skincare!
