The first time I heard anyone publicly speak about sex was at a ‘chastity workshop’ in school when I was 16 years of age. We received a workshop that felt more in line with a talk about what is ‘forbidden’ by purity and abstinence, rather than learning about how the virtue of chastity might enrich our understanding of sex and its purpose in our lives.

I don’t think any of us at that workshop left feeling enthused or enlightened even. I distinctly remember feeling rather confused actually, as though the ‘take home message’ was to refrain from any form of relationship and hope that one day Prince Charming would knock on my window and we would live happily ever after! Needless to say that message didn’t make sense to me then and it doesn’t now. 

In the years since I’ve often thought about what the 16-year-old me would have needed to hear instead … in fact, what I need to hear even now! Let’s explore what chastity actually is and why it matters!

When you hear the word chastity, what comes to mind?

Firstly, chastity does not mean simply abstinence or purity - to remain ‘pure’ until marriage. As you can imagine, this narrow and oversimplified approach to human sexuality can make it difficult for many to follow. By focusing on ‘purity’ one loses the vastness and depth of what chastity actually is. We can end up thinking that chastity is about refraining from specific behaviours or activities until we’ve gotten the green light in marriage. As though it’s now some kind of licence to do whatever we like, regardless of what the other person might feel.

For a long time I never truly understood what chastity actually meant. I thought it simply meant no sex outside of marriage. It’s only with time I’ve come to learn how all-encompassing it is. Chastity is actually a virtue and that virtue is simply about love. It’s about how we can best love and respect ourselves and those closest to us. As human beings, we have an innate dignity and ultimately deserve to have this recognised and respected, whilst also offering that same respect to others we meet. Our sexuality is very much a part of that. The virtue of chastity is one which allows us to practise love and charity towards both ourselves and our significant other. 

The freedom to love and be loved

Our modern society tends to put a lot of emphasis on enjoying ‘the freedom of physical pleasure’ and implies that the ultimate test of a relationship is the physical pleasure and chemistry it can offer. In my experience, however, I have found the inverse to be true. I have found great freedom and happiness in freely loving another person whilst reserving the most intimate part of ourselves until we give our “yes” to each other in marriage. Chastity gives us the freedom to be truly ourselves - loved as the people we really are - and to form a bond of friendship and respect that goes beyond the physical.

Real security in our relationships

As well as offering us freedom, practising the virtue of chastity also offers security. It protects us by allowing us the security of knowing we reserve the most vulnerable and intimate part of ourselves before we have made vows to another person, in keeping with the innate dignity we have. In his book Three to Get Married, Fulton Sheen writes:

‘Purity is as self-expressive as impurity, though in a different way. There are two ways in which a locomotive can be self-expressive: either by keeping its pressure within the limits imposed by the designer and the engineer or by bowing up and jumping the tracks. The first self-expression is the perfection of the locomotive; the second is its destruction. In a like manner, a person may be self-expressive either by obeying the laws of his nature or by rebelling against them, which rebellion ends in slavery and frustration.’

By ‘obeying’ the law of who I really am, just like that train on the tracks, I have found happiness that comes from honouring our relationship. Contrary to popular culture, I feel it is within this ‘obeying’ that I am truly able to express myself at a deeper level and reveal who I truly am.

Is a virtue like chastity still relevant?

One question I’m often asked is why bother practising chastity? I would say one of the best things I have received, from my own experience of this virtue, is freedom. It’s afforded me the opportunity to get to know my now fiancé on a much deeper and more intimate level than could have been possible without it. It has given us opportunities for long conversations, discovering what our values are and what matters most to each other. It’s allowed us to have potentially difficult conversations and build a deep bond, without our judgement being clouded by the physical.

Back to Fulton Sheen again. He said that “the two words most often abused today are ‘freedom’ and ‘sex’.” From my lived experience, I can agree with him. Perhaps it sounds paradoxical, but having the opportunity to love someone and be loved by them in return, saving our physical intimacy until marriage, has been extremely freeing.