What rituals can make the difference in your marriage?

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Looking back on it now, I don't think I really knew what to expect when I got married. The man I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with was my best friend, and a part of me believed that once we were married, life would be perfect. If life was a cake, our wedding day was the cherry on top.

Yes I understood intellectually that marriage involved sacrifice and self giving, but I don't think I fully grasped with my heart what that actually looked like in practice. I was too caught up in the romantic externals. I didn't understand that marriage was something I actually had to work at. Perhaps I assumed that once we made those vows, there was some kind of transformation that rendered both of us impervious to troubles, as though marriage would be some kind of shield against our defects. 

When I heard of other marriages in difficulty I wondered if they really loved each other, without examining myself to consider how I was ‘loving’ in my marriage. As the years have rolled on, I understand more and more that love isn't just a feeling - it’s deeds. Everyday little things that we need to proactively ‘do’ in order to ‘stay’ in love.

Set aside specific time to talk

A few months ago, I discovered the book Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love, by Marcia Naomi Berger, a social worker and therapist who specialises in marriage and family. I was intrigued by the title and after scrolling through the reviews on Goodreads, decided to read it. In the book the author outlines how weekly meetings between spouses can help them to create a “fulfilling marriage.” The meetings follow a set four-part structure where spouses can discuss issues, plan ahead, and address difficulties, but always in a manner that fosters trust and respect. 

I liked the fact  that the author practised what she preached. She mentions in her Introduction that she and her husband have been holding their ‘Marriage Meetings’ for over twenty four years. Every week since, my husband and I have been holding ‘Marriage Meetings.’ Although we sometimes loosely adapt the structure, I’ve found them so beneficial both for external logistics, and sharing some of the mental load, but on an even deeper level for fostering teamwork and a greater sense of gratitude. 

Date night - home or away

As our family has grown, the number of opportunities to get away by ourselves has diminished, especially since we always have a baby in tow! So we’ve had to become a little more creative in how we achieve a ‘date night.’  

A Friday night ‘at home’ date night is a monthly staple with our favourite takeaway, but sometimes it might be as simple as a takeaway coffee after the school drop off, or a stroll around the garden while the bigger children watch a movie. Sure we have the inevitable interruptions when we’re at home, but no matter how little time we get together, we always appreciate it, and these are times that I really look forward to.

Go to bed at the same time

Over the years there have been very few days when my husband and I haven’t managed to spend some time together. But now that I’m at home full time with the children, and he’s working from home, we do see a lot more of each other. However, quantity of time doesn’t always equate to great quality. There have been times in the past when I felt so ‘touched out’ after a day with the children crawling all over me, that the most I could manage was a wide-eyed stare at him over supper.

Going to bed at the same fixed time started out as a way to try and maximise our rest before the inevitable night feeds, and toddler wake-ups kicked in, but it’s become a lot more. Whether it’s simply reading our books right beside each other, or opening up about vulnerabilities and concerns, it’s become a great way to connect at the end of the day.

I don't want this to read as though we have our marriage all wrapped up in a pretty bow. There are still plenty of disagreements, petty resentments and misunderstandings. We all have our imperfections, and we’ll always be disappointed if we constantly seek perfection from the other. But these little rituals help us to wade through when it feels like those imperfections are dragging us down.

Most of all, they serve as a reminder that love is definitely made up of small deeds.