Recently in conversation with someone, I commented that my marriage of thirteen years had been wonderful and although it sounded cheesy, I meant it. I met my husband in my teens and although I often cringe at the ‘happy-ever-after’ idea of it and how saccharine it must sound, I am very grateful to have married someone I can truly call my best friend. 

Yet as I reflected on my conversation the next day, I realised how twee and even how insensitive it may have come across, ignoring the hardships that some marriages face, and at times, these can seem insurmountable. No marriage ever exists without difficulties and although I would truthfully say the years of my marriage have had many joys, there have been times of struggle as well.

I’ve read a lot about marriage in our thirteen years together and over that time, I’ve gathered knowledge and wisdom from marriage therapists, counsellors and those couples who’ve weathered many storms together. I’ll be the first to admit that there is a lot more to learn and that there have been many times when I’ve failed to have recourse to the tips I’ve already learned in my own marriage. However, I will say that when I have been mindful of the following strategies, they’ve had a positive impact. Every couple can benefit from these, whether you’ve been married for two years or twenty.

Show compassion when a mistake is made

There are very few of us who can say we’ve never made a mistake. In marriage, however, when mistakes can cause us such hurt and disappointment, it can be very easy to forget that we aren’t perfect ourselves. Show the compassion you would like for yourself and even if you can't quite understand, always listen to your spouse's perspective with an open mind and heart, and seek to understand even when it is difficult. 

Always assume the best intentions of your spouse

There will be contradictions and miscommunication in any relationship and inevitably as couples grow in their understanding of each other, there will be disappointments along the way. Add in the tiredness of parenting, work commitments, or financial concerns, and it’s easy to see how difficulties and resentment can creep in very quickly, especially if we feel as though we are bearing the brunt of everything. But when we allow resentment to creep in, it’s poisonous. When we assume their best intention we can discuss difficulties with greater clarity and objectivity, and it helps us to stay united.

Show you are trustworthy

When we think of trust within marriage we might be inclined to think of big things like fidelity or finances but what about the small everyday things? Do we do the dishes when we say we will? Or make that phone call? Or remember that concern they had a few days before? Do we always follow through on commitments no matter how big or small?

Cultivate cheerfulness and good humour  

Positivity and cheerfulness are always an absolute essential for family life but especially during busy times. Spinning multiple plates means it can be hard to see the wood for the trees and before we know it, everything we do can suddenly appear so urgent and pressing. It’s important that we try not to take ourselves too seriously and to look for humour when things go wrong.

Know yourself

I remember once hearing someone comment that one way to work on your marriage was to make sure you work on yourself. At the time I didn’t really fully appreciate the implications of this. But over time I’ve come to realise how important it is to know your own triggers, difficulties and defects and be willing to work on them for the sake of the other. Be mindful of your own communication style, your temperament, and your love language and those of your spouse. The Hearts+Minds podcast has episodes on these very topics.

Be an emotional safety net

Men and women express emotions in different ways and when our spouse comes to us with a concern, it’s important we resist the urge to dismiss them or try and reinterpret what they’re telling us. Even when we can’t fully understand, it’s important that we take the time to listen and validate their feelings. Sometimes as women, we just need a listening ear whereas men are wired to problem-solve. Recognising the different ways we express our emotions means we are in the best possible position to help our spouse.

For more tips and advice check out the latest Hearts+Minds podcast: How to Overcome Difficulties in Your Marriage?