The stories we cling to even when they fail us

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Making Up Stories

Once upon a time...ah, the start to our beloved fairy tales. Stories that teach us how to dream, how to be brave, how to persevere and what to build our houses with (bricks of course). 

But what about the stories we make up, the stories we create in our minds to make sense of the world? Sometimes created unconsciously, these stories can influence our actions and beliefs for years to come.

The stories we told ourselves as children

As children, we have a limited understanding of the world. If something perceived as “bad” or “good” happens we look for the cause. Then we can either avoid or repeat the same result in the future. If we do well in a test in school, (that maybe we didn’t study for as much as we could have), we may decide that the socks we were wearing helped.  Going forward they are our “lucky” socks and we wear them for every exam in the future. If we fall down during a school run we may deem ourselves clumsy and not able for sport. If the popular clique doesn’t seem to notice us we may attribute it to our worthlessness. And so stories for survival, for understanding the world start developing early on.

Hopefully, as time goes on those stories we committed to in our heads when we were young are challenged and proved wrong. You realise, when you are desperate after losing your “lucky socks” that it wasn’t the socks after all, but the fact that you paid attention in class and did your homework that helped you test well. You were challenged to go to a dance class by a university friend and you surprised yourself when you were able to keep up with the steps and actually had fun. “Oh. I guess the ‘I’m clumsy’ story wasn’t true.” How many opportunities are missed because of that one story, “I’m clumsy.”

Commitment to Story

Needless to say, no matter how many stories are proven wrong, we still seem to be keen to create them even later in life. 

I have to stop myself when I notice I am doing it, and am grateful for the people in my life, including my husband, who will call me out on creating stories. I receive good news and immediately I am creating a story of doom, “all good things come to an end” before I have even basked in the gratitude of the gift.

When we are listening to friends tell their stories and something seems off or implausible we can just ask, “did that really happen like that?”. Or we know they are prone to a bit of embellishment, so we can enjoy the retelling with a smile, knowing it is only part true. And then sometimes you hear in the tone of a friend telling a story that attributes a belief or a motive to someone that you know is unlikely to be true e.g. “She doesn’t like me, she never asks me to join her famous book club. I’m the only person in our group she hasn’t asked.” 

As a friend you can ask questions, probe and try to dismantle the story that has built up in your friend's mind that may not be based on the reality of the situation. 

Stories that keep us small

The truth is that those stories, even though they don’t serve us, help us maintain a comfortable illusion about ourselves. In short, those stories help keep us small, “safe” and securely in our comfort zone. Our psyche is then at odds, one part wanting to grow and be the best self we can be, while the other part is holding onto the status quo.

Letting Go of Story 

So then how do we let go of those false stories.  In the first place notice them, the closer to when the thought appears the better. The only way to get better at this is to practice. “Oh, there’s that story or that belief that ‘I’m clumsy’. The second step is to question the story. “Am I always clumsy? What does the ‘I’m clumsy’ excuse get me out of here? What am I avoiding? What do I gain?” And finally, we replace the belief, the story, with a new one, a more open one. “It is okay to try and fail. I may look stupid, but this is an opportunity to learn. Clumsy or not, I will try.” 

Affirmations… 

Affirmations are a great tool for changing the story.  Try repeating the affirmation 3 times in the morning and three times before you go to bed for 21 days. Close your eyes and really listen to the new thought, how does it feel in your body as you say it? If you are really brave you can try saying the affirmation to yourself in the mirror. Affirmations work best when they are aligned with your values, so if the phrasing doesn’t sit right with you, change it.

Sample affirmations

Maybe one will resonate with you:

I am God's gift to the world and I am fully equipped for what I came here to do.

I am blessed with friends and family who help and support me.

I am a beautiful creation. I am ready to accept myself.

I always see the best in others.

I do my best and that is enough. 

I can always choose to love. 

Use them ahead of when they are needed. Then they are available to you as a challenge to the unwanted thought that comes up. 

"We are the stories we tell ourselves" - Joan Didion.

So let those stories be real and truly honest.