The week I began to write this piece on mental toughness, one of my children became very ill. I hardly had time to finish the first paragraph when things escalated and within days, five of my tiny people were on antibiotics. I might not have felt tough but the situation certainly was.

I was surrounded by high temperatures and runny noses, and had set up what appeared to be a mini pharmacy from the corner of my kitchen. It was a week when so much was being demanded of me but as I stared blankly out the window, cradling a cranky baby on one side with a toddler hanging off the other, I felt completely overwhelmed. I thought about my research into mental toughness and found myself thinking, if I had to give myself a ‘mentally tough rating’ right now, then frankly, it would be marshmallow!

What exactly is mental toughness?

When we hear the phrase mentally tough, we might be tempted to think it means that you never experience any pain or difficulties, or if you do, you can easily shrug them off. 

Over a decade ago I attended a workshop on how to be mentally tough as part of my graduate studies. I regret to say I remember very little of benefit from it and came away with the overarching feeling that in order to be mentally tough, one had to want to get ahead in the world; to be bullish, domineering or manipulative. Everything I felt I wasn’t. Thankfully my understanding of mental toughness has moved on a long way since.

Psychologists agree that it is in fact leaning into a space of fear and worry about the things that are happening to us that can help us become mentally tough. Mental toughness is not having the perfect life or being in control of everything. Rather it’s having an awareness of our doubts, recognising our weaknesses and acknowledging the mistakes we’ve made. Crucially, mentally tough people are also vulnerable enough to express this to others. Even though we all have different backgrounds and upbringings that predispose us to behave in certain ways, psychologists do believe that anyone can grow in mental toughness, no matter what coping mechanisms we have used in the past. So what tips do they suggest? Here's three you can put into practice right now.

Live in the present

How many times have we caught ourselves worrying about the work commitment we have next week? Or the fight we had last week with one of the family? As hard as it is, living truly in the present moment reduces anxiety on one hand and prevents procrastination on the other. One useful question to ask ourselves regularly is “am I doing right now what I should be doing or am I letting something take my energy away from it?” It can help us to refocus on what really matters to us.

Adopt a growth mindset

Conceived by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck and colleagues, a growth mindset simply means that we can all improve our talents over time if we learn to see the difficulties we face as opportunities. Rather than looking at things negatively, we can train ourselves to ‘reframe’ each situation that challenges us. We can start by being mindful of the language we use; do we tend to speak critically or negatively about ourselves, our abilities or the situation? We can also try to embrace mistakes as part of the learning process.

Identify emotions but don’t be ruled by them

It’s important to understand how emotions can colour our thought process and influence our behaviour, and that we should distinguish them from the facts of the situation. Whatever emotions we experience in a situation can either positively or negatively impact our future behaviour. It’s important to name the emotions we’re feeling but remember that ultimately they don’t have to control us. 

In the day-to-day busyness of life, it can be hard to channel our emotions and fears in a constructive way, and we might be tempted to reach for the chocolate, phone a friend for a rant or pour a large glass of wine! All of these things have their place, but ultimately the long-term key to mental toughness is learning how to deal with challenges and problems in ways that are healthy and conducive; to deal with the actual, objective reality before us rather than giving into negativity or victimhood. Going forward, I know these tips will help me cope with the next challenge I face and who knows - I might even upgrade my mental toughness rating beyond marshmallow!