Are you there for your children in tough times?

Photo by Simon Rae on Unsplash

I’ll never forget the look on his little face. There we were the two of us, in the kitchen. I was busy making dinner, trying to serve the food, and simultaneously get the pots and pans washed up as I went along.

I was conscious that as soon as we had eaten, we’d need to be out the door promptly to the children’s speech and drama lesson. There were a million thoughts racing through my mind - had I checked everyone’s homework? Had they even finished it? Did the baby need to be changed before we left? Were the folders ready for their class? All these thoughts were tumbling around my mind as I drained the rice, gave the curry a quick stir, and pulled put knives and forks. 

Meanwhile my eldest is in full flow, explaining his latest Lego creation to me, and all the ‘cool’ things he was going to build to go with it. I found myself interrupting him with the odd request, “here, take these plates, will you get the jug out please.” Fulfilling his tasks, he talked as he went. My responses were less than enthusiastic -  ah ha’s, mmm’s, ok. Eventually he said something that really did stop me in my tracks. “You’re not even listening to me Mammy, are you?” It stung.

I quickly apologized for my lack of attention and explained that Mammy was just busy as she had lots of things to do. He accepted my explanation, and the rest of the day went by business as usual. But later that night, as they all lay sleeping, the mum guilt crept in. How dismissive I must have been? How many times had they tried to talk to me, and instead of ‘calling me out’ for my lack of attention, had just wandered off and I hadn’t even noticed? And this was just a simple story about Lego! What if they had something big on their little minds? Something they were building up inside and trying to talk about it?  My penchant for melodrama soon set in, and I allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper into guilt, lamenting to my husband about how awful a mother I had been. Fortunately for me, he is used to my melodramatic ways, and was able to guide me back from the brink of huge guilt.

This Lego incident was pre Covid-19, and over the past few months of lockdown when life has been a little slower, I now realize there were often times when I was not always as present with my children as I would have liked. Of course, there will be times when we cannot just drop everything and give ourselves completely to the whims of our children, but that conversation with my husband taught me some valuable lessons. I’ve set myself a few resolutions about how I can be there for my children now that they are back to school and  trying to adjust to the challenges of life post lockdown.

Make time to listen to the small stories, trusting they’ll come back with the big ones. 

These past few weeks have been full of stories about new teachers, new routines, catch ups with friends, and sometimes I have to remind them to stop for breath! Although it is tedious at times, I remind myself why I’m listening. Putting in the effort now means that when something really serious does turn up, they know they can come to me.

Spend time with each child individually.

Even if it’s only for twenty minutes at a time, I find my children really benefit from one on one time. They don’t have to fight each other for attention and love that I am totally theirs. When we combine it with a restorative activity, even better. They can relax and recharge, and I get some of my best conversations with them.

Help them to name the feeling but teach them not to be ruled by it. 

I’m sure every parent has experienced post school meltdowns, sibling rivalry and terrible tantrums. I think I’d be doing a disservice to my children if I didn’t teach them how to name those big feelings such as anger, frustration, or jealousy. I also need to remember that I’m raising little adults, and as such, I want them to learn that they don’t need to be ruled by those feelings, and that they are free to choose how they will react.

Pray for them. 

In the past I mistakenly believed that when I spent time in prayer, I only had to worry about asking for help with my own defects and issues. I believed it was up to my husband and I to help the children, forgetting that God is their Father too, and knows them better than I ever will. Talking to God about the areas my children are struggling in, and asking him to help them, is often the best solution for me. And even if you’re not a person of prayer, taking some time every so often to think about each child, what they might need, or the areas they are struggling in, can help to guide them in the future.

The irony is that even during the time I’ve been writing this, I’ve had to ignore or delay umpteen requests from my children! That’s ok; mum guilt doesn’t have to rule me. I’ve set these resolutions but no doubt I’ll have a few slip ups along the way - probably every day in fact. But perhaps that’s one of the best ways I can help my children. 

To see their Mother wanting to be better for them, getting it wrong sometimes, but trying again and again and again…