What have I learned from ten years of marriage?

It was a rainy October afternoon when we said ‘I do.’  Well, I say rainy but it was actually torrential.

I laugh now when I remember how we trudged through a forest park in search of the perfect wedding shot. I had to swap my five inch ivory heels for a pair of Doc Martens just to get through the mud! Nobody wants rain on their wedding day but I was so dewy eyed and lovestruck that I didn’t care. Perhaps I thought it lent the day a sort of romanticised misty nostalgia, like one of those black and white movies set in Paris…and at the tender age of 23 I thought my whole married life would be just like that - no matter what life threw at us. Some of the couples from our extended family that celebrated with us that day, had been together longer than my entire life but as I listened to their congratulations and words of advice for married life, I foolishly believed my husband and I were more in love than any of them. I just couldn’t believe that their love, which in my mind seemed to be worn down after years of marriage, could be as vibrant, as romantic, as perfect as ours. There seemed to be little in the way of romance, intimacy, connection. They just seemed too content and settled, which back then I interpreted as boring. Now that I’ve lived through a few years of marriage, have I changed my opinion? 

I will concede that perhaps I was a little naive in my romanticism.

A few months ago, my husband and I hit a big milestone of marriage. Our tenth wedding anniversary. If someone had told me on my wedding day that our celebration would be a quick cup of coffee in one of our favourite cafes simply because we only had a babysitter for a few hours, I would have laughed in their face! It certainly isn’t the kind of romance that I pictured on my wedding day. But it was. It was perfect, and just what we needed amidst the chaos of raising small children, balancing jobs and running our home. It’s not that I believe there’s no room for romance in marriage once the honeymoon years are over. It’s simply that my ideas of what romance is, and consequently what real love is, have changed.  
So what lessons have I learned in the past decade? 

Always assume the best intentions of your spouse.

I cannot tell you how much energy I’ve wasted by not following my own advice here. When I get rattled through the day with a million things on my to do list, it can seem as though any dirty dish left or bed not made is a deliberate attempt to aggravate me. Before I know it, I’m in a downward spiral of  rage and accusations when perhaps he simply didn’t have time, or was distracted by one of the children, or didn’t realise how much it meant to me. As soon as I keep this in mind, I feel so much calmer.

Find creative ways to communicate.

Everyone agrees that spouses need time and space to talk. It’s absolutely vital. However, I’ve often found that when life is particularly busy, we’re either too exhausted or too mentally drained to be able to have a decent conversation. The danger is that we simply end up talking logistics and it can soon feel like we’re the joint directors of a business enterprise not husband and wife! In an effort to combat this, we decided to set up a shared notes app on our phone which we can use to record logistics, plans, weekend tasks - essentially all the boring things that need to be done. This means that when we’re finally free of the demands of the tiny people, we can talk about what really matters to us, and not waste our precious alone time on logistics. 

Finally, be generous.

Someone once told me that a marriage is not 50/50 but rather each spouse giving 100% each and it really struck a chord with me. It can be easy to think that we’ve done our bit, and that now it’s time for our spouse to step up. But if both spouses took that attitude all the time, a marriage would soon end up being calculating and stingy. It can be hard to give constantly, especially when as women our whole lives are lived in service of others, but if we try to cultivate an atmosphere of generosity, we soon find it blossoming in others.

There are so many things I’ve discovered about marriage over the years and I’m not ashamed to admit how naive and immature my understanding was back then. I’m sure there are more lessons to come…and I’m looking forward to learning them.