Conflict in Marriage: 4 things to avoid in our communication

Photo by Bailey Burton on Unsplash

For all the married ladies out there, were you ever taught how to best argue with your spouse?! On your wedding day you might not have pictured your future self arguing with the man of your dreams, but there’s the ideal and then there’s the reality. We’re only humans after all. We aren’t perfect and there will come a time when conflict and arguments arise. 

Conflict can creep up in a marriage over many things: unrealistic expectations of our spouse, financial difficulties, finding time for intimacy, balancing work and parenting. Sometimes it’s over very small things…toothpaste in the sink, dirty dishes or whose turn it is to get up with the baby. In reality however, there are no small things in marriage. Bigger problems often happen after a series of little things. 

How to resolve conflict in marriage?

Our natural tendency may be to avoid conflict altogether for the sake of keeping the peace or jump right in and defend our position at all costs. Neither option is healthy. The former leads to resentment and bitterness and the latter leads to stubbornness and hostility. The problem often doesn’t lie with the conflict itself, but in how we deal with it. And how we deal with conflict comes down to how we communicate.

Communication patterns to avoid in marriage

Dr John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, a renowned relationships researcher, notes in his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, that couples who are more likely to have very serious difficulties in their marriage tend to follow one of four communication patterns in their relationship. He names these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” His research shows that when these patterns of communication are present in a marriage, then that marriage is statistically more likely to end in divorce.

Knowing how easily these “horsemen” can creep into a marriage can be a good step towards greater awareness of how we communicate with our spouse and what we should avoid at all costs.

1. Criticism

   When we attack the character and personality of our spouse rather than address one specific behaviour, we’re giving into criticism. In doing so we make accusations and might find we are saying things like “you always” or “you never.” The problem with this is that we are eroding our partner’s trust. We all know how hurtful it feels to be criticised rather than understood.

2. Contempt

   This is when we give in to mockery and sarcasm with our spouse, insulting them and belittling them. When we speak in this manner to our spouse we are conveying deep disrespect and disdain which is so hurtful to our marriage. Alongside speaking with contempt, we might eyeroll or tut and shake our heads.

3. Defensiveness 

   This creeps into a marriage when we try to deny responsibility for things we have done wrong or make excuses for our behaviour. It could also manifest itself as a counter attack on our spouse when they try to bring up an issue. We might use this counter attack as a way of avoiding blame rather than actively listening. It means there’s no resolution to the conflict, leaving our spouse and their concerns dismissed and unacknowledged. 

4. Stonewalling

   As the name suggests, this is when we put up a wall between us and our spouse, either physically or metaphorically. Perhaps by withdrawing from difficult conversations or refusing to respond. We might find ourselves huffing and giving the silent treatment. Stonewalling creates an emotional barrier, as the other spouse is left helpless and feeling abandoned.

Any one of these patterns of communication are toxic to a healthy marriage and over time will erode our relationship. As well as knowing what to avoid in marriage, it's also helpful to know what habits and rituals we can put in place to make sure our marriage is the best it can be! Stay tuned for the next post on what Gottman calls the “antidotes” to these “horsemen” coming soon.

Let us know in the comments what you’d add to the list!

Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life and sometimes difficulties arise that we can’t fix on our own. It's really important that we seek out trusted help and advice from people and organisations who specialise in marriage therapy and want the very best of us and our relationship, such as Retrouvaille Ireland, Cana Ireland or Marriage Encounter.

Disclaimer: every person should feel safe in their marriage. If not, please seek help from someone who you trust. The organisations above can signpost you to the best and most appropriate help.