What can I do to reinvent my marriage?

Photo by Elahe Motamedi on Unsplash

We’ve just come to the end of one of my favourite months of the year. I’ve always been an October fan; it’s the perfect autumnal month, full of colour and light. It often reminds me of beginning another academic year as a student in Belfast, when the leafy university quarter looks particularly beautiful.

Much more than January, this time of year reminds me of fresh starts, new plans, and endless possibilities. Since I got married in October too, it’s an extra special month for me. I can really agree with Anne of Green Gables, “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

Since we celebrate our anniversary at the beginning of the month, I often find myself thinking a lot about my marriage at this time of year and reviewing the year that has passed. What challenges have we faced? What joys? What successes? What do we want for the years moving forward?

When it feels like so many things are outside of our control at the minute (dare I mention the ‘C’ word?!) we can always do something within our immediate environment - our home and the relationships in it. I’ve found myself asking the question: what can I do to rejuvenate my family life to make life as enjoyable as possible for everyone? And more importantly, what can I do to try and reinvent the most vital relationship - my marriage?

Share your hopes and dreams

When life is busy, it is so easy for a husband and wife to become like ships in the night, stopping only to discuss logistics. 

I know - I’ve been there. 

One thing I am so glad to have is what my husband and I refer to as a ‘Big Ideas and Dreams’ book. Ok I will admit the title is a little twee, but it does exactly what it says on the tin. In it we keep a record of shared goals and hopes for the future, and it’s been around in one form or another from the very beginning of wedded life. 

Personally, it reminds me of the ‘spark’ of our early days when we were younger, more idealistic and felt like anything was possible. It is so easy to get ground down over the years, that once you switch into survival mode, you can easily forget to switch back.

This book helps us to keep our hearts and attitudes young and idealistic so that even as the years go by, we can still hold onto those dreams of the early years.

It also has a much more valuable purpose than simply being able to record the ‘nice’ things we want for our life. 

Whenever you have shared dreams, then you necessarily share the work of realising those dreams. When you are married, it’s vital to operate as one unit. 

That’s something we’re learning to do, and I know for a fact we still have plenty to learn! 

Although we are two distinct individuals, in a marriage our time and resources are not just our own - we share them together. 

Whatever goals we have in our life, whether individually or as a family, have to be worked out together. The everyday nuts and bolts of how to actually achieve what we want, is really where those lofty dreams meet reality. 

But when you’re trying to work out the practicalities of how to get things done, you need that lofty dream to keep you going and help you to flourish and thrive as a couple, rather than simply survive.

Ask yourself - what are my interests?

A very real danger for women especially, is that we end up shouldering the weight and responsibility of all the family, and subsequently neglect to take the time we need to enjoy our own interests. 

That danger could be equally true of men. They may find themselves completely immersed in their professional life.

If each spouse encourages and facilitates each other’s interests or hobbies then you both have something new to bring to the table, and you don’t end up staring at each other thinking “what will we talk about now?!” I’ve also found it helpful to foster a shared interest as a couple. Whether it’s a sport, a shared skill, love of books or film, have fun discovering something that keeps you both connected to each other. 

Our children groan every time they hear that we’ve discovered a new coffee shop and begin making plans to visit! Or it could be something that doesn’t involve leaving the house at all. It could be cooking together, reading the same book together, or learning a new language. 

Find something to enjoy that is just for the two of you.

Break out of the routine

This is especially important given the times we’re currently living in. 

When there is so much outside restriction, we could end up resigning ourselves to doing the same thing day in, day out. We may have to get a little more creative with how we can break the monotony, but it’s worth it in order to inject a sense of fun and lightheartedness into family life.

Recently we took an impromptu after dinner trip for ice cream just to break up the same old daily routine. It ended up with a few sticky hands and faces and a late bedtime, but it was worth it for the laughs, and did us just as much good as the children.

How about doing family dinner time a little differently such as a ‘Sunday Picnic Lunch?’ All you need is a few blankets and cushions on the sitting room floor, picnic finger foods (which saves on the washing up!) and your favourite music playing in the background. 

Something that is normally routine, can be easily transformed into fun and novelty for the family. 

Good Humor is not an added extra in Marriage. 

It is essential!

Breaking out of the daily grind can help keep that humor alive.

Even taking the time to think of ways to reinvent my Marriage becomes a way of Reinvention itself!

Also, when I make small efforts to think about things that I can do for my marriage, I am making sure that the one person who should be the most important to me is!

Small things can make tons of difference!