What builds trust?

Photo by Marko Brečić on Unsplash

How can I build trust and be more trustworthy as a result? Here are 4 takeaways …

Listen

Have you ever noticed that the same letters that make up the word “listen” make up the word “silent”.  To listen we need to stop talking. But we also need to be silent on the inside – take in the person – hear what they are saying and what they are not saying. We know it so well but how often we talk to be heard not to add value. To talk only to add and when helpful, not to repeat something already said is the trusting way forward. We validate the person we don’t subtract and undermine them.

Think of occasions where people give their views.  Am I easy to tell things to?  Am interested in another person’s views, genuinely, even if I have heard them before.  

So the idea is if you are a talker – actively try to talk less. Listen for the unspoken words so you can draw someone out more. Don’t expect to hear what has not been said. People are not projects only we are.  We can and do accompany, support, encourage, advise, counsel. But to do that we need to deflect from ourselves and instead encourage others to find their answers and to make decisions for themselves.

Boundaries

When someone is sharing something that is hard for us to hear, we need to distinguish – what we can do from what we should not do – boundaries.

There are choices that are not ours to make but we can suffer the consequences.  

In those difficult listening moments we need to ask God for what we need. It can be good to ask ourselves what would Jesus have done?  God changes things if we ask – with constancy. Trust is not about agreement.  That can signal laziness or comfort-seeking in disguise.

With more experience, we can fall into a tendency focus on an outcome – and we can get quite expedient and we can short-circuit things in work meetings or family plans.

Maybe our decisions haven’t taken certain people into account or we haven’t time for others’ ideas?    The best decisions are the fuller decisions. Knowing how to double click on someone’s contrary opinion. Keeping an eye on that inner voice which can be quite cynical. Knowing how to understand the why or reason behind that person’s opinion; maybe they are concerned about something which could be valid and needs to be unpacked, maybe they have a negative experience that needs to be heard or maybe it is the Holy Spirit – who “blows where he wills”. But are we sensitive enough to pick up on it?

Bring out the best in each person

Trust is the quality of the team player. Am I a team player? How would the others on the team describe me?  A solo runner?  Or am I someone who has the magnanimity of mind and heart to embrace different perspectives and pull it all together – that takes a lot of emotional energy. Potentially to go the longer route is also the best route, putting our relationships before our outcomes.  

Know thyself

Trust takes self-knowledge and self-management. We need to be aware of the impact we make on others: What aspects of how I work, my character or personality need to be low lighted and what aspects need to be highlighted at a given moment? 

We are not the gold standard.  God is. We always point people back to Him.   He is the only one we can expect everything from and him alone.

The more we trust Him the better chance our human relationships will have of being well balanced and happy, completely trusting.  But to do that we have to want to be what God has made us to be: His children, consciously dependent on God for absolutely everything. This is what it means to be a child of God: Depending, trusting, taking risks for God. No one can compel us to feel this way. Our trust in God cannot depend on our moods and feelings. It is only when we act in faith that we can experience for ourselves the conviction of being a child of God. Abraham, Abel, Moses, St Josemaría were individuals who gave everything they had placed their trust in so that God could be the only one in whom they trusted.