Why do we find it hard to receive feedback?
Photo by Marissa Grootes on Unsplash
We get feedback every day of our lives, from friends and family, colleagues, customers, and bosses, teachers, doctors, and strangers.
We’re assessed, coached, and criticised about our performance, personalities and appearance. Feedback plays a crucial role in developing talent, improving morale, aligning teams, solving problems, and boosting the bottom line.
But when people are asked to list their most difficult conversations, feedback always comes up. We know that feedback is essential for personal development and healthy relationships – but we dread it and can reject it and even be very hurt by it.
Do we need to take an honest look at why receiving feedback is hard? Are there some tools we need that can help us metabolise challenging feedback and even use it to fuel insight and growth?
In their book Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen remind us that “It’s about how to learn from feedback, even when it is off base, unfair, delivered, and frankly, we’re not in the mood”. The reason we should be committed to feedback, the authors remind us, is that “Feedback-seeking behaviour—has been linked to higher job satisfaction, greater creativity on the job, faster adaptation in a new organisation or role, and lower turnover”.
Who wouldn’t want that?
It depends on where you are standing
Isn’t it true that when we are giving the feedback, we notice the receiver isn’t good at receiving it. When we receive the feedback we notice the giver isn’t good at giving it.
How can we take feedback with confidence and curiosity, even when it seems wrong, how to find insight that might help us grow. Maybe we need to be convinced that it is we who receive feedback and we are the ones who are in the driving seat.
Why do we tend to find it hard to receive feedback?
We hear and understand the words. But we don’t understand the purpose of the feedback and as a result, we badly judge the intention of the person giving the feedback: Is she telling me I did something wrong, she finds me annoying, I have hurt her in some way or I am a bad person or all of the above? And we react badly or just choose to ignore it.
The feedback has been badly given, poorly timed or we are not ready for it, so we focus on the circumstances and claim that it should never have happened and forget it as soon as we can as a bad idea. But the truth is no one walks in my shoes. So it will always be hard to accept. Unless of course, I am particularly humble! While we love to learn, we don’t like to learn about ourselves unless it is something positive.
We don’t know the tools to take the good from feedback. To receive feedback well we need to step into that space of curiosity and learning. We can learn to manage our emotions so we can hear and what the person is telling us. We can use the information we hear to learn to see ourselves in new ways and grow.
We think that feedback is a reflection on our identity. But instead, it is a signpost as to where one’s journey of growth could go.
The golden rule
There is always good in feedback. No matter what the circumstances. Ultimately, I miss out if I don’t find the good in the feedback. If we don’t know where to start, we cannot grow. Without feedback we cannot grow because we cannot see ourselves objectively.
As human beings we need to receive feedback and we need to give it – we are involved in both. If we don’t, we stay like toddlers on the inside. It is worth the effort to learn the skills to give it and receive it well.
Both are needed.
